The Ebb & Flow Institute

One Sentence Guest Editorial--Bill Clinton

2008-01-28T18:56:00.000-06:00

One of the great things about being a student of history is that we can look back for guidance in our current affairs, like say the current talk about a stimulus package is not that different from an important period of American history when I was a newly inaugurated president, (you could go further back in history I am sure, but why?), there was pressing need for stimulus in those days, the country having survived the first of two economically flaccid Bush administrations; I had a package of course, others had plans for stimulation as well, some critics said my package hooked to the left, or it placed too much emphasis on the public while ignoring the private parts of the economy, I maintain that you can't wait for a perfect reception for your package, you have to just put it out there and be optimistic that it will provide the much anticipated stimuli.

One Sentence Editorial--Pile On the Iowa Caucuses

2008-01-01T14:14:00.000-06:00

In this post black Friday and therefore post 9/11 world with two days to go until the Iowa caucuses, a new CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll out Tuesday shows both the Democratic and Republican presidential nomination races tied at the top creating a sweet almost organic perfect storm, setting the stage for an unremarkable second tier candidate such as John Edward who is the new Walter Mondale (back in the day Mondale was astonishingly unremarkable and today could host webinars on the topic) to surge to the forefront and decimate the field with an emotional finely crafted message authored by an up and coming political wordsmith that knows how to add some pop to a seemingly random campaign about "giving back" to the poor which to this point point has been slightly less pleasant to view than waterboarding, all this could toss prior front runners under the bus, but then that's politics, and, it is what it is.

CWCID-AoSHQ

Tom Tancredo Named Mexican of the Year

2007-12-30T14:49:00.000-06:00

MEXICO CITY — Because everybody in Mexico "has felt the tidal wave of his presence," Tom Tancredo has been named the Mexican of the Year by the El Heraldo de Mexico City.

"We can't seem to live with him, and if we can live without him, nobody's figured out how," the report posted on the El Heraldo web site on Saturday said.

The newspaper identified Representative Tancredo's failed run for president as perhaps the largest story in the nation in 2007. The newspaper cited Tancredo's unwavering position to end the hemorrhaging of Mexico's labor force into the United States as the main reason for their controversial choice.

Mexico cannot hope to build a strong and growing economy while a large portion of its work force is lured across the border to the United States. A growing healthy economy needs workers and the Americans are taking ours and in return they allow small sums of devalued American currency to be wired back to us. Mexican schools are losing pupils to the US. Our hospital beds are empty while our citizens receive health care in the emergency rooms of America. Our social services workers are idle while their American counterparts bask in the satisfaction of a job well done.

Representative Tancredo is the greatest champion of a strong and growing Mexico.

One Sentence Guest Editorial--Islamic Rage Boy

2007-12-28T16:00:00.000-06:00

The glorious martyrdom of Benazir Bhutto is a great victory for Islam over the insidious western influences of democracy and secularism that are being used by the imperialist American regime to oppress the people of the Islamic world and was likely carried out by the Mossad in an attempt to embarrass Islam.*

Views expressed in One Sentence Guest editorials are the author's own and are not intended to reflect the views of the staff and management of The Ebb & Flow Institute.

*The ALL CAPS of this editorial were removed to appeal to a more insidious western audience.

Check Out This Internets

2007-12-27T14:05:00.000-06:00

If you have time this holiday season, we here at the Institute suggest you check out the Internets. It's something. You can find information on things like what your city council is doing, or exchange food cooking recipes with other people interested in food cooking recipe exchange.

Thousands of people are probably checking out the Internets right now. Thousands of people getting information on who knows what (I don't know what). Maybe they are chatting with like minded individuals in what are known as "chatting rooms" where people engage in high minded discourse.

The Internets has grown in popularity and experts believe it will continue to do so. These same expert peoples say that within ten years every town in America may have it's own computer hooked up on the Internets grid.

I predict that one day soon, with a few creative keystrokes one will be able to find pictures of pretty girls on the Internets.

The Girls of the Institute...

2007-12-25T18:54:00.000-06:00

...wish you a very merry Christmas.

UPDATE: By that of course they specifically mean a "very merry Christmas" not to be confused with an ordinary merry Christmas.

UPDATED UPDATE: Not that anyone here at the Institute is telling you what to do. If you prefer to have an average Christmas or even a semi-crappy Christmas, feel free to do so.

Well That's Over

2007-11-24T13:33:00.000-06:00

We are going to pay you not to coach. Thanks.

Commenting on the Comments of Sports Commentators

2007-11-19T18:58:00.000-06:00

This is a football.

Please note the lack of handles.

Handles one might reasonably fail to find.

Small wonder that each weekend countless receivers "can't find the handle on that one".

Feel free to share the comments of sports commentators you find annoying and over used in the comments.

Clinton Campaign Concerned About The Politics of Pile On

2007-11-01T19:20:00.000-05:00

What happens when the “politics of pile-on” replaces the “politics of hope?”
Hillary comes out on top.

Hillary coming out on top of me? Suppose I accept the premise that she plays for the right team to be atop me....she is dreaming.

MPASTSPDRDRBWOHTPWNHBPSTA--spd rdr

Friday Beer Report

2007-10-19T15:29:00.001-05:00

As some of you may know, I like beer. Beer has been very, very good to me. And I have been very, very good to brewers. So this being Friday, I thought that I might share a wee bit of promise that appeared in today's New York Times. Good beer - good regional beer - may yet win.

Industrial beer is still the vast majority of the American market, and it’s not going away tomorrow, but there is no future in it. While industrial beers suffer flat or declining sales, craft brewers are experiencing double-digit growth. The big brewers now try to copy craft beers. European brewers, who once laughed at watery American beer, now look to the United States for inspiration.

It's a good time to be alive.

It's a good time to have a beer.

Cheers.

UPDATE: What was the first beer you ever had?

Inside Baseball

2007-10-18T19:26:00.000-05:00

As many of you know I am a teacher. Over the years I have not blogged about it much, because well, who want to read shop talk.

But when a colleague come under professional scrutiny, sometimes one is compelled to come to his or her defense. This might be one of those times.

Teachers come under tremendous pressure to modify their instructional style so as to not leave any pupils behind.

In this case an educator might be able to take a more direct approach for the visual or auditory learners, but if these girls were tactile kinesthetic learners, this approach is spot on.

Pile In Aught Ocho Talking Point Memo--10-16-07

2007-10-16T19:13:00.000-05:00

I have a million ideas. The country can't not afford them all."

Pile On

Guest Post

2007-10-15T19:58:00.000-05:00

Hi Peoples. Pile has asked me to announce that there are like lots and lots of new posts here at the Institute and stuff. If these posts were beers I don't think I could like hold them all. So like read them, it will totally be like a best of show only without some stuff that Pile told me to say but I forgot.

Anyways, these were originally posted at Villainous Company, but that site has been taken down and sold for scrap metal. So the staff at the Institute has reposted them here for your viewing enjoyment.

Check back from time to time. There may occasionally be something new and that totally rocks.

Posted by Chick With Six Beers.

China Retaliates Against Imports of US Air

2007-10-15T19:55:00.000-05:00

BEIJING - Stung by a spate of safety recalls of its products, China hinted Thursday that it might take retaliatory action against U.S. shipments of air exported to China.

China's top air safety regulator today said it has found repeated safety problems in shipping containers filled with air from the United States and demanded the US take "effective actions" to solve the problem.

Pernicious particulates have been detected in the gaseous mixture imported from the US by several entry-exit inspection and quarantine bureaus around China during the last few months, which put the country's forests, ecology and Chinese air consumers at jeopardy, stated the Chinese General Administration of Quality Supervision and Inspection on its official Website.

China imports millions of cubic feet of air from the US every year.
Consumer advocates in China stated “US air was of lower quality than traditional Chinese breathing gases lacking eight micro elements for human body, that make for important curative effects and improve markedly life quality for Chinese breathing consumers.” The advocates went on to issue a warning to anyone that may have consumed American air to take caution to only expose nostrils and throat breathing apparatus to traditional Chinese air to return to panacea of extraordinary respiratory splendor again.

US retailers and other importers of Chinese manufactured goods expressed concern that these actions by the Chinese government could lead to a shortage of shipping containers in China with which to import goods to the US and also a glut of containers stateside as American air makes up the bulk of US exports to China.

- Pile On

Pile In Aught Ocho Town Hall Meeting Number 1

2007-10-15T19:51:00.000-05:00

Pile In Aught Ocho Town Hall Meeting Number 1

First let me say, this is not CSPAN. The Iraq war has made me well aware that the American people have the attention span of a dog pecker gnat*, so this is going to be a fast paced exchange. Read fast or be left behind.

Peggy Noonan, you are first up. Go ahead Peggy.

Yes Mr. On, the American people want to know just one thing of their president: WILL YOU SUFFER?

Peggy, let me just say that I really enjoyed that book you did on President Reagan, When Character Was King.

And not just suffer privately, but will you seem to suffer publicly during press conferences, public appearances, and the like so that we can savor your suffering?

Oprah tapes in Chicago. Thanks.

Next question, you, MTV viewer person.

Yes thank you Mr. On my question is, the war in Iraq?

I support it.

The war on terror?

That too.

The war in Bosnia?

Sure why not.

The battle of the bulge?

Thank God CNN wasn’t there.

The War on drugs?

Like your drugs huh?

Partial birth abortion?

Bloody murder.

School bussing?

Beats walking.

Affirmative action?

Sometimes less is more.

The F word?

Yes?

The S word?

S word?

The N word?

Don’t use it.

The C word?

Wouldn’t recommend it.

National health care?

Sure, if the nation is sick.

France?

Good friends are hard to find.

Michael Moore?

I am sure I will be a source of future inspiration.

Teletubbies?

To each his own.

Long walks in the park?

The only thing better is a short walk.

Warrantless wire taps?

Depends on what you mean by warrantless?

Surgical spinal taps?

No thanks.

This is spinal tap?

Classic.

The NEA?

Wait till they get a load of me.

The CIA?

Needs a house cleaning.

The FBI?

Glad they are on my side.

The NAACP?

What does that second A stand for?

The AARP?

If you aren’t part of the solution you must be part of the precipitate.

WTF?

Isn’t that an AM station in Chicago?

The ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter?

Yes, I like pi.

Missing bees?

Depends on who is missing them.

Killer bees?

The Astros aren’t having a very good year.

Brazilian bikini wax?

I have never understood why they call it a bikini wax.

Gangs?

A poor substitute for a family.

Prescription drugs?

Why do you ask?

Thugs?

Don’t need them.

Bushwhackers?

Haven’t seen them.

Red necks.

Sure, just don’t get carried away.

Leather necks?

Salute.

Long necks?

It's not about the bottle.

Global warming?

Wouldn’t be the first time.

Climate change?

Semantics.

Endangered species?

99.9 percent of all species that have ever lived have gone extinct. We are all endangered.

Erosion?

Not quite as sexy as global warming.

Corruption?

Don’t make me flash the lights.

Wind power?

What do we do on the days without wind?

Solar power?

Get back to me when the technology has improved.

Power windows?

Never knew I needed them till I had them.

Childcare?

Sorry, just checking to see if my wallet is still there.

Child abuse?

That’s why we build prisons.

Gay marriage?

Happy is good.

Polygamy?

Only works in theory, kind of like Marxism.

Onomatopoeia?

Snap.

George Bush?

Like him or no, you got what you voted for.

Women in prison movies?

Sure, if tastefully done.

What type of underwear do you like?

Cotton.

*Dog pecker gnat is the common name for canis genitales sp., of the order diptera. An unremarkable specimen that spends its summer days buzzing about warm moist dog members.

Today Sure Has Been Super!

2007-10-15T19:50:00.000-05:00

I dunno about this. The British have been warning us about bloody hell for years.

Is America ready for a president with Nebraska roots? The good folks at the Pile in Aught Ocho exploratory committee think so.

To find out what you can do to save America in Aught Ocho send a self-addressed stamped envelope to:

pileon - at - sbcglobal dot net

Marriage and the Times

2007-10-15T19:48:00.000-05:00

More American women are living without a husband than with one, according to what many experts call an extraordinary analysis of census results by the New York Times.

The dissection by the Times (which has been repeated in more places than you can whip a pencil at) concluded that in 2005, 51 percent of women said they were living without a spouse, up from 35 percent in 1950 and 49 percent in 2000.

“This is yet another of the inexorable signs that there is no going back to a world where we can assume that marriage is the main institution that organizes people’s lives,” said Prof. Stephanie Coontz, director of public education for the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research group. “Most of these women will marry, or have married. But on average, Americans now spend half their adult lives outside marriage.

Emily Zubiks, a totally adult woman and band member who does volunteer work at her local secondary school, said she was not surprised by the trend. “A lot of my friends are not married and stuff. I don’t even know anyone who is like married or anything.” Ms. Zubiks who has gone steady a couple of times told us “marriage is just not where I am at right now.”

Brenda Parths, an editor of a free publication that covers issues important to students who has never in her whole entire life been married, said, “I like boys, I mean, like, they’re okay, I guess, I like to pass correspondence with them in the hall, but like, marriage is totally gay mister.”

Posted by presidential candidate Pile On®, who by the way, has his own exploratory committee!!

Christmas Pleasantries from the Institute

2007-10-15T19:47:00.000-05:00

Hippy Holidays Ya’ll from The Ebb & Flow Institute located in what you might call a multicultural neighborhood where it is not unusual to see aging hippies riding giant tricycles.

I had intended to make this a 2006 year in review post, but to be forthright; I became bored with the topic. And to be even more direct, honest and with increasing forthrightness, while researching the post I came across this alarming photo from the Institute Halloween party.

Looking at it, are you as disconcerted and unnerved as I.

I know I am.

Well to be direct, open and candid it got me thinking about the direction of this country. When I was a kid you could spot a witless half-wit because they had a pocket fisherman.
These days Roland Martin is advertising a Rocket Fisherman that launches a bobber and hook from something that resembles a sawed off shotgun. So we are still good there.

But dear peoples, the state of the American Cartoon is, to be blunt curt and abrupt, bad. Real bad. Spongebob aside, the plot to every modern cartoon is as follows. A baby animal is missing; often the baby animal will be an endangered species. The “heroes” of the cartoon have to save the baby and they are going to need our help to do it. They look into the camera with their large vacuous brown eyes and ask us to flap our wings, or for directions to the volcano. You are the explorer Dora, can’t you recognize the large blue volcano right freaking next to you? The cartoon always concludes with the “heroes” returning the baby endangered species to its parental units who didn’t seem to notice that their progeny was missing in the first place. Perhaps instead of returning the baby they should call Child Protective Services? Or better yet just let nature run its course.

Did Bugs Bunny ever ask for help?

Nope.

I have also been thinking about the war. The elections in November, been thinking about them too. As many of you know, there has been considerable pressure on me, some public, some private, and some pressure applied in a manner that can only be describes as both public and private to get me to run for president. Of the United States.

I have thus far resisted this pressure because, to be plainspoken and unguarded, I just wasn’t that interested. And my family, what it would put my family through, I have thus far resisted because of what it would put my family through, of course.

To be candid and unambiguous, things have gotten to the point where it would be inconvenient for me not to be president, at least for a while. So I have made a decision, frankly, the time is right to bring some frank frankness to the political arena (it is not really an arena, that is a tired figure of the speech).
No, I am not announcing that I am seeking my party’s nomination for president, that is not the way we do things. I am announcing that I am forming an exploratory committee

If you would like to be a member of the Pile in Aught Ocho exploratory committee please write me at pileon - at - sbcglobal dot net. I caught some large fishes in Florida in November, and owing to my political fine tunity had my picture taken with the large fishes I had caught. But we are going to need someone who knows how to get the images off of my cell phone and onto the World Wide Web. We need someone to design a better logo too.

2007-10-15T19:45:00.000-05:00

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS II
THIS TIME CRITICS CAN RELATE

Rex Ropner is a heavy-footed marginally employed journalist with a customary sneering wit. Struggling to make ends meet, Ropner leaves his wife and son to pursue a better life for himself. When Gardner lands an internship at a prestigious newspaper, he endures many hardships, including covering stories where there is no complementary buffet and losing his DSL service when gambling losses and an unscrupulous online pornography provider leave him unable to pay his cable bill. Through it all, Ropner never gives up his dream, and with a little help from an uncle with a large advertising budget Ropner lands the position of movie critic.

This film captures the essence of the great American film critic.
John Long—San Francisco Chronicle

**Note from Pile: In my opinion, the reviews of the Pursuit of Happyness tell us more about the reviewer than the movie. Go see it.

Moments in Senate History

2007-10-15T19:44:00.000-05:00

I know you have some reservations about the Iraq Study Group report John, and I know I said I was on board with your proposal; but honestly, what does sending more soldiers to Iraq have to do with increasing troop deplorement?

Posted by Pile, who contrary to popular belief did not lose his log in.

Al Qaeda forms 527 Group

2007-10-15T19:43:00.000-05:00

Al Qaeda, the international terrorist group and social services organization held a press conference today to announce it has formed a 527 group to influence the November midterm elections in the US. Sulaiman Abu Ghaith, a spokesperson for the group, declined questions but issued the following statement:

“We have formed the group The American Center for Coming Together Through Progress not to endorse any candidate but because we feel strongly about the issues in this election. While we are unaccustomed to having our right to free speech regulated we do want to show our respect for American laws by being in compliance with McCain Feingold. We have negotiated some kicking ass rates with the international media company CNN and we did not want to jeopardize that agreement by having any troubles with the FEC. Peace be upon you.”

Developing....

Republicans Agree on Interrogation Bill

2007-10-15T19:42:00.000-05:00

The White House and rebellious Senate Republicans announced agreement Thursday on rules for the interrogation of presidential candidates and those suspected of having presidential aspirations. President Bush urged Congress to put it into law before adjourning for the midterm elections.

"I'm pleased to say that this agreement preserves the single most potent tool we have in protecting America,” the president said. He spoke shortly after administration officials and key lawmakers announced agreement after a week of high-profile intra-party disagreement.

Maverick Senator John McCain of Arizona who has been held as a presidential candidate for seven years six months and thirteen days was one of three GOP lawmakers who told Bush he couldn't have the legislation the way he initially asked for it, said, "The agreement that we've entered into gives interrogators the tools they need to continue to ask the tough questions that need to be asked, while protecting the rights of presidential candidates to make symbolic gestures without having to put up with any unusual or tortuous questioning.

It sounds like the administration got a pretty good deal actually" because it would reinstate the press's prerogative, said John Yoo, a former Justice Department lawyer who helped write internal memos in 2002 designed to give the media more leeway in aggressive questioning of suspected candidates.

Human rights lawyers disagree on whether this flexibility, along with the bill's definition of cruel treatment, would endorse such techniques as "waterboarding"and "windsurfing" methods intended to simulate the sensation of being a regular active outdoorsy guy. Windsurfing and similar publicity methods allegedly used by press photographers to humiliate candidates are not specifically identified as crimes although some say these techniques could qualify as cruel and inhumane.

"There's no doubt that the integrity and letter and spirit of the Geneva Conventions and some of them other conventions have been preserved," McCain said, referring to international agreements that are not applicable and have absolutely nothing to do with the issue at hand.

A vote in the full Senate on this bill has not yet been scheduled.

Religous Harmony

2007-10-15T19:41:00.000-05:00

In an unprecedented display of inter-faith unity, Islamic scholars publicly demonstrate the general validity of the Pope’s recent remarks on jihad and the spread of Islam.

Islamic scholars engaging in reasoned dialogue.

IMPORTANT UPDATE
Pope issues apology, invites jihadis to convert to.....humanity.

Developing....

Everyday Hero

2007-10-15T19:40:00.000-05:00

You never know when the chance to be a hero might be thrust in your general direction. You just don’t. I keep my eyes open for my shot though. Call it a love of country thing. These days the best opportunity to prove your hero bona fides seems to be while flying. I don’t fly too often but I fly as often as the next guy who doesn’t often fly. When I do fly, I often keep a patriotic eye open. I give the flight attendants that cooperative look of mutual understanding, as if to say, “when you need me, I've got your back..., just give me the signal and I will go all citizen air marshal on some Islamonazi sympathizer with a bladder full of protest pee”.

I do not go looking for trouble. Nope. But when a suspect little daisy goes traipsing up the isle, I am ready to serve my fellow humankinds. And my country. “Yeah, you just take your nitrogenous waste in the lavatory there honey, cuz if you’ve got international answers sister, I’ve got the questions for ya. So go ahead and expose your giblets in the isle little Betty, before one drop of free speech hits the floor I am going to drop you like a fifty pound sack of organically grown whole wheat flour. Say hello to the commercial grade over trafficked airline carpet. B**ch. Hand me the plastic cuffs airline waitress person, I have the situation under control”.

Some guys get to have all the fun.

In other news, if I ever get fired for something I post, I hope it is half this funny.

Mad props and stuff to Ace.

President Kerry: What Might Have Been

2007-10-15T19:39:00.002-05:00

Nasrallah: Okay here is my plan, we continually fire rockets into Israel, then send a small band of armed fighters across the border to capture a few Israeli soldiers so that we can then negotiate a prisoner swap.

Prime Minister Siniora: Let me remind you that the much beloved President Kerry extended us a seat at the table.....where we can talk.

Nasrallah: Oh. Oh yeah. Nevermind.

Rendezvous With Destiny

2007-10-15T19:39:00.001-05:00

Thank you for calling the Mayo Clinic, how may I direct your call?

You presume to direct my call?

I am sorry sir?

I should say so.

How may I help you sir?

I need to see a doctor.

Let me put your call through to the appointment desk.

If Mohammed can't go to the mountain, the mountain will go to Mohammed.

...

I require you to dispatch a team of doctors through Canada, and have them pretend to be Venezuelan.

Is that you again Fidel?

An Important Post on Human Rights

2007-10-15T19:38:00.001-05:00

This important post consists of an important open letter from Pile, the chairman of The Ebb & Flow Institute.

Dear humanity,

As you probably know, we here at The Ebb & Flow Institute take human rights very seriously. It is a primary concern. This concern, coupled with the fact that self-improvement is something of a hobby of ours has caused us to take pause when the United Nations Human Rights Committee issued a report that blistered the backside of the United States for numerous human rights violations.

Since the UN Human Rights Committee consists of many nations where human dignity flows freely like semi-potable water from the tap, we have decided to boil this report, then drink deeply.

Human rights violations committed by the United States.

The U.N. Human Rights Committee said poor and black Americans were "disadvantaged" after Katrina, and the United States should work harder to ensure that their rights "are fully taken into consideration in the reconstruction plans with regard to access to housing, education and health care."

The UNHRC says the Dixie Chicks "got a raw deal" from a disapproving public following their criticism of President Bush. Article 17 of the international treaty on human rights states that chick based music ensembles must receive "fully cooked" deals.

Security "pat-downs" of fans at Tampa Bay Buccaneers games are unconscionable, unreasonable and makes us want to cry, stated the UNHRC, throwing into question the practice at NFL games nationwide.

In accordance with UNHRC article 12.3 the right to liposuction must not be infringed upon and must be made affordable and available for the worlds obese poor.

Ashlee Simpson. The export of Ashlee Simpson and Ashlee Simpson byproducts violates the Uruguay Rounds of GATT. The Agreement on Agriculture and Pop Music provides for, export subsidies and or countervailing duties if imports cause "material injury" to domestic producers and or viewer/listeners.

The UNHRC . . . remains concerned that residents of the District of Columbia do not enjoy full representation in Congress, a restriction which does not seem to be compatible with article 25 of the covenant," the report concluded.

Thank you United Nations Human Rights Commission for this constructive criticism. We vow to give it all the attention it merits as we continue our efforts for forge a more perfect Union.

Warmest Regards,

Pile

Another Fatwa Against Hezbollah

2007-10-15T19:36:00.000-05:00

As I predicted in a post on Friday, another Islamic cleric has issued a fatwa against Hezbollah, this time a shia cleric in Iran. Ayatollah Noamir Syed al-Chomkin Shirazi is a professor of Islamic linguistic studies at the Tehran Institute of Technology (TIT). Below are key portions of his illuminating 180 page fatwa.

It appears that Amongst the most important replies that I have given, is my reply concerning the actions of Hezbollah, the natural general principle that will subsume this case where one censures the importance of studying the branches [furu'] of jurisprudence, and we seek refuge in Allah from the deviation of such a corpus of utterance tokens upon which conformity has been defined by the paired utterance test.

I suggested that these results would follow from the assumption that if the position of the group Hezbollah were only relatively inaccessible to funding from the mullahs of Iran, this selectionally introduced contextual feature renders the entire region subject to the hegemony of Iranian rule. In this reply nevertheless, I make mention analogously,that the scholars of the methodological bases of Islamic jurisprudence (usuli’un) and the Imams of jurisprudence themselves have said about such a matter.

As for my labeling this action as Iranian Imperialism, it is only because they have desired to impose upon common people the precious rank of absolute independent reasoning [ijtihad], the requirement that branching is not tolerated within the dominance scope of Iranian military influence....

This might be satire.

Jihad-Harmony

2007-10-15T19:34:00.000-05:00

Hezbollah: Violence mixed with social mission.

Hezbollah is regarded by the U.S. and Israel as a terrorist organization. It is dedicated to eliminating Israel and has formally advocated the ultimate establishment of Islamic rule in Lebanon, according to the U.S. State Department.

It garners popular support among the Lebanese by setting up schools, hospitals and other social services like the popular jihad match-making service Jihad-Harmony.com.

Jihad-Harmony's matches are unlike any other jihad match-making service you have ever heard of. The main reason why is their personality profile. After years of studying jihadis they have found 29 key dimensions of hatred for Israel that predict deep compatibility and happier, more lasting relationships. The personality profile covers these important areas of hatred for Israel, helping jihadis learn more about themselves and their ideal partner and allowing Jihad-Harmony.com to match them with highly compatible jihadi singles.

What Jihad-Harmony's users are saying.

"Meeting each other has changed our lives forever. I was so busy launching missiles and providing social services that we probably wouldn't have crossed paths if it hadn't been for Jihad-Harmony. We both had been waiting so long to meet that 'truly compatible' person. My first wife, peace be upon her, lacked a compatible level of hatred for Israel, which as it turned out caused some serious health problems, peace be upon her. When my soul mate was delivered, our waiting was finally over. Jihad-Harmony saved us the headache of meeting people randomly, only to find we had very few dimensions of hatred of Israel in common. We discovered that we both approach jihad in a very similar manner, and our similarities and differences really do bring out the very best in our marriage. It's amazing how well our hatreds of Israel compliment one another. Without Jihad-Harmony our meeting would not have been possible. Thank you for bringing us together."

--Omar Abdul Hassan Nasrallaman

"He had us at death to Israel."

Taking a Chinese Vacation with the Chinese in China

2007-10-15T19:32:00.000-05:00

When most Americans visit China they do so as part of a tour and have a guide who speaks English to show them around the country. My recent visit was somewhat different. I was there to visit my wife's parents who had never had the opportunity to meet a chairman of a prestigious free market think tank institute; nor had they met any of my staff, which notably includes The Onlette.

So my visit was not unlike what most Americans do when they load up the minivan and head to Wisconsin to see Grandma and Grandpa except instead of having the 15 month old in the back seat fussing for hours on end, she is on a jetliner where complete strangers can share the experience.

Even though I could not spend the whole time I was there sightseeing, I did want to do some of that; so Mrs. On and I went on a Chinese vacation with the Chinese in China.

I suspect it is slightly different than an American vacation with Americans in China.

We boarded a bus in Hangzhou bound for the Yellow Mountains (pronounced Huangshan) and embarked on what was about a four-hour ride. Our guide for the first leg of the trip told us we should "sleep while we traveled and pee when we stop". That was a plan I could get behind. All of the guides on this trip spoke into a microphone, on board the bus it was plugged to speaker system with some serious reverb. Serious reverb, and loud. Soon the guide was informing us about the trip in that incomprehensible language they call Chinese. Have you ever noticed that when people speak Chinese it often sounds like they are angry and yelling? It was like the guy was yelling at me. With reverb. Just when I thought he was going to stop yelling at me, he would start yelling at me again.

It was like I was a prisoner. A prisoner of war being pumped for information. I told them nothing.

We arrived somewhere and were marched into a small hot room and sat on hard wooden benches. A tall pretty young lady proceeded to yell at us about tea, using a speaker system attached to her waist. I bought no tea but many were not so strong.

We stowed our gear and then hiked about 2 kilometers up a mountain next to a lovely little stream. It was a nice break from being yelled at, but it was tiring. You see, in China, just like in other countries I have been to, climbing a mountain involves going up.

The next morning we were taken to the base of an even higher mountain range and told we had to hike 6.5 kilometers up to our hotel for the next night. This hike involved a change in elevation of about 1800 meters. There are no roads up this mountain so we had to carry all of our gear with us on this climb. I had a backpack that I could have carried clothes in but since everything on this mountain has to be carried in, things are expensive by Chinese standards. Because of this, by Chinese custom we filled our bags with bottled tea, cup-o-noodles thingies and of course cucumbers. Lot's of cucumbers, which are surprisingly heavy.

I think this was the point in the climb where I wrote the first two verses of a song I call "yi píng lěng pí jiu" or "one bottle cold beer".

This hike took about half a day, then after being soaked by a sudden rainstorm we looked at the mountains from numerous angles. This involved many changes in elevation while being yelled at by a tour guide with a hi-tech sound amplification system attached to his belt.

This is a famous tree which you of course recognize.

The next day we got up at 3 am to hike 2 kilometers to the highest point humanly possible to wait for a sunrise at 5:13 am.

We all crowded up to the railing, camera in hand and waited.

There was nowhere I would have rather been.

Then it happened, sunrise orgasm.

It was a cool trip, and I am glad that I went but I don't think I will go back on this particular trip again. It got me thinking about the difference between a Chinese vacation and an American one. In America we work hard and often have stressful jobs. We go on vacation to relax and unwind. I suspect the Chinese go on vacation to endure hardship so they are happy to go back home and return to work. Well, that and to have their picture taken in as many designated photo-op spots as they can.

The Perfect Declares The Good the Enemy--Breaks off Relations

2007-10-15T19:31:00.000-05:00

In a development that many people worked to mustn't let, The Perfect officially severed all ties to The Good stating " The Good just isn't Good Enough anymore. With all that has transpired we have no choice but to consider The Good our enemy". Good Enough welcomed the comments by The Perfect exclaiming " we have been trying to tell people this for years".

The Good said that while they were disappointed by The Perfects decision, they would continue their work and try to forge an alliance with someone else, perhaps Terrific.

Terrific who has been in negotiations with Not So Bad told reporters "given the circumstances we feel we have to explore all of our options".

Developing......

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

Major adjective realignment continues.

The Average announces surprise merger with Vile. Reprehensible feels slighted, but observers say they may have just worn out their welcome.

Stay tuned.....

China and the Internets

2007-10-15T19:26:00.000-05:00

One morning during my recent trip to China my wife and I decided to get on the internets and do a few of the things people do when they are on the internets. Namely, see why our friends and family in China can't access a secret blogspot site that we set up so that people could see pictures of the youngest member of our staff without our actually having to get photos developed and put in the mail.

No one on the staff knew where an internets cafe was, but my wife knew the way to the library, so after no deliberation we decided to go there. In the computer room of the library there were about 25 computers and it was no trouble getting two next to each other. The attendant logged us into the computer and we were off. I tried to enter the secret blogspot address and after 30 seconds or so, I was redirected to a Yahoo search engine page. The site can't be found doing a search so I did what most Americans would do, I checked to see how the Astros were doing. After about five minutes I had checked my e-mail and had read all the news I cared to. I was trying to use the trip to give myself a break from the media.

For kicks I did a google search on my old blog, The Ebb & Flow Institute. There is nothing new there but I like to use the blog roll. I found a link, and as soon as I clicked on it my computer and my wife's were rebooted. No one else's. Just ours. Within a few seconds the attendant at the front of the room was on the phone. When she hung up she came over and logged us in again, saying she didn't know what had happened.

I just visited PRC approved sites until my wife finished running down her e-mail and then we decided to see if what happened was a fluke. I visited this site without any trouble, but I was only here for about thirty seconds when my wife tried to visit The Onlette's blogspot site.

REBOOT!

Both computers again. We got up, quickly settled our tab for fifteen minutes of internets access and disappeared into the city.

I had no intention of trying to get on the internets again, but a week later Chinese television took a break from it's non-stop World Cup coverage to inform me that there was flooding in Houston. The coverage did not mention the Institute headquarters so it was back to the internets.

This time the Library attendant did not allow us access to the internets. So we did what most people would do in such a situation, we went to get haircuts. I highly recommend getting a haircut in China. For about what I normally tip, I got shampooed, cut, styled and a young lady spent about twenty minutes tenderizing my upper body like a cheap cut of beef.

The salon had internet access, so while they finished straightening my lovely wife's already straight hair, I learned that the flooding in Houston had not impacted The Ebb & Flow Institute's headquarters. And thankfully, China is still safe from the subversive influence of blog sites devoted to the children of free market think tank institute chairpeoples.

Home From The Peoples Republic--A Report

2007-10-15T19:24:00.000-05:00

The entire staff of The Ebb & Flow Institute have now returned safely from the Peoples Republic of China, and have been debriefed by all the appropriate debriefing personnel. Thus we can report to you, the VC reader on the portions of our trip that have been declassified.

The staff and I stayed in a private residence in the city of Hangzhou (pronounced Hangzhou). I was told prior to our trip by a Chinese national that Hangzhou is the one city in China that people would move to if they could. He also told me it was a city with very beautiful women....,on that I will not comment at this time, nor will I question his judgement.

I can see why people want to live there, it is the most beautiful large urban city I have ever been in. It has nice clean tree lined streets with wide bike paths on either side to support all your urban transportation needs. It seems that no matter where you are, you are a short walk from great restaurants and shopping where you can buy all the pirated goods you can afford. And thanks to the monetary policy of the communist party, your American dollar can buy an amazing amount of fine silk, tea, or fake NBA gear.

Some scenes from Hangzhou.

This is a street in Hangzhou. I don't remember its name, it sounded kind of Chinese though, I remember that.

Overlooking West Lake and Hangzhou from the top of Leifeng Pagoda, an historic buddhist temple thing the commies have been kind enough to restore.

West Lake he hua which is about to bloom.

This is me, Pile achieving enlightenment. The path to prosperity is to build a temple and charge admission. Twice.

While we were in China the Shanghai Cooperation Organization (pronounced SCO) was meeting in of all places Shanghai. The SCO consists of Russia, China and some of the stans, (Afghani, Yerkamaka...etc...), that get together once a year and congratulate themselves for all their cooperative cooperation in cooperating to counter-balance the free, democratic nations of the West. This cooperation consists mostly of being non-western, unfree and undemocratic and cooperating together to see that as many nations as possible stay that way.

Normally I wouldn't give the SCO a second thought, but this year they had invited the nutjob president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak at their gathering. This was being talked up in the local media as a chance to improve relations with a country that is very influential in that region of Asia. Puke. I had to do something. So I did.

The next morning my interpreter (pronounced interpreter), the lovely and talented Dr. Wang and I set out for Shanghai using modes of transportation that I have always felt were best left to other people. First we rode bicycles for about 15 minutes to the Hangzhou train station. There we bought tickets for the standing room only Huhang Peasant Express. This was about 2 1/2 hours of indescribable transportation, where people kept staring at me. I did stick out like a sore thumb on this train, being what they call měi guó (pronounced měi guó), one who doesn't give a flip about the World Cup, which is on tv 24 hours a day in China.

After arriving in Shanghai we took the subway to check in at the US Consulate's office. You know, just in case. Then we were off, traveling by bus so I could get my picture taken with this statue of a Very Important Dead Communist.

Note, the artistic political statement in this photograph made by cutting off the top of the commie's statue head.

Then more pictures here, where my interpreters purse got shanghai'ed.

Alas, all this use of public transportation failed. The SCO went ahead and granted Ahmadinejad a certain level of respectability by giving him a forum from which to tire us with his mixture of hatred and nonsense.

On the way back to Hangzhou we were able to get tickets on the soft seat Huhang Express. Very nice. If you are ever in China and have the choice of paying a little more for a soft seat train, do it.

There isn't much that I am allowed to tell you about the purpose of our trip. The high level top secret negotiations. But I will tell you what I can. I was invited to tea at a tea farm on a Sunday morning. This seemed pleasant enough. After a couple hours of getting to know each other we were served lunch. It was obvious the Communists were trying to unsettle me. There were 500 hundred year old eggs, fried duck tongues, sparrow gizzards with eggplant, stinky tofu (pronounced horsebarn), fish guts with pork and a few other things. Frankly I got tired of asking. I just ate. What the commies didn't know was, Pile will eat anything. Once.

During the meal I was introduced to a rather appealing Chinese custom. You stand up, propose a toast and say gān bēi (pronounced cheers). The catch is, not everyone drinks, just the person making the toast and the person being toasted. And it is not just a drink, it is the whole glass. I was also outnumbered four to one.

It was becoming apparent that the PRC was taking these talks very seriously. But they had not done their homework. I was given the choice of beverage, and I chose pí jiu (pronounced beer). When I learned that my Chinese counterparts were all retired PLA fighter pilots, I quickly began insisting on no foam. Commies can be sneaky that way.

My interpreter informed my that not only were they pilots, they were claiming to be wáng pū kè fēi xíng yuán (roughly translates to ace pilots) who knew four kinds of English. Except for the one who was not drinking, he made no such claims.

I knew I had represented my country well, when my interpreter whispered to me that she didn't think they knew any kinds of English, and that in fact they seemed to be having a great deal of difficultly speaking Chinese.

It was a good day.

Gān bēi gentlemen.

Coming soon to an Internets near you.

China and the Internets.

Taking a Chinese vacation with the Chinese in China.

Pooping in the Peoples Republic.

Pile On Off On Diplomatic Mission

2007-10-15T19:10:00.000-05:00

Several key members of The Ebb & Flow Institute's staff have been asked to embark on a diplomatic mission of some importance. Not being the kind of Institute that would shirk its civic obligations, we have obliged.

Beginning on Thursday, I will be leading an entourage to the Peoples Republic of China. I expect this to be a very enlightening trip. I have been in a handful of countries, but never a full blown republic of the peoples. I like peoples. I have lived my whole life in this non-peoples republic of the United States, so I am very curious to see a republic that is owned and operated by real live peoples.

Now, don't think this mission is going to be all fine dining and sipping mint tea in the shade. It isn't. We will be ironing out many serious problems like North Korea, Iran, CO2 emissions and the price of tailored suits. As you might expect, we will also be engaging in cultural exchange. Yes, for the next three weeks, Pile will be the face of America abroad.

If you don't see a Pile On Op-Ed in the New York Times by the Fourth of July, please contact the US consulate's office in Shanghai.

Other Stuff:

Is that for here or to go....sir?

I was in Dallas yesterday and I observed a retail business establishment called Condoms-To-Go.
To go. Condoms to go. In a dangerous world, perhaps one should just keep a condom on at all times.

I will leave you with this thought peoples, if you are scrapbooking about your experiences scrapbooking.....you aren't blogging.

Originally Posted by Pile On® at June 7, 2006 10:20 AM at Villainous Company

So...You Are Checking to See If I Have Posted Anything?

2006-03-03T21:15:00.000-06:00

If I have, you will find it here.

Here Is To You Reader Peoples

2006-02-02T20:42:00.000-06:00

Thanks to everyone who has stopped by The Ebb & Flow Institute, I hope that our work here has brought you some sort of twisted joy, and of course enlightened you on the pressing issues of our day.

After months of infrequent posting and dwindling traffic, I have come to the conclusion that I do not have the time to run an Institute and a blog site. Because of the importance of the work we do here, the Institute must come first, and without it there is no blog anyway.

If, in the future I can find the time to do this right, I may revive the site. I am not suffering burn out, I have several posts rattling around in my head right now. But when I have the creativity necessary to write, I don't have the time, and when I have the time my eyes glaze over and I sit at the computer rocking forward and back like some sort of crazy assed Braves pitching coach.

Thanks again for reading, and thanks to all who have linked the site, it has not meant the whole world to me, no.....certainly not the whole world, that is a lot. Perhaps it has meant New Mexico to me. And maybe parts of Utah and Idaho.

Cheers.

Happy New Year from the desk of Enid

2006-01-29T20:29:00.000-06:00

Yeah....., happy new year capitalist running humans. I normally have better things to do than write for a blog site, blogger no less, but this is a/an (whatever) historic occasion.

First, it is my birthday. Thank you, thank you. Please do not send any gifts, anything you beta humans might send, if I want it, I already have it. Second, it is the Lunar New Year and the start of the year of the dog. That is the year of the gou for those of you not hip to Mandarin.

Anyways, I expect this intersection of important dates to prove ultimately quite important in a far reaching important sense. We'll see shan't we?

I full on expect this to be a year full of: ample hair to be shed, fancy new neckerchiefs, long naps followed by short naps, scratching yourself, manipulating others to scratch the places you can't get to, then licking yourself in places your scratcher can't get to, and of course simulated bacon products as a night night snack. Should be quite the year, putting the year of the rooster to shame.

I know some of you have been wondering, how the big E is getting on, what with having cancer and all. I know this because of the countless cards, letters, emails and blog comments. I didn't have cancer, my leg did. And I had it removed (the cancer not my leg eejits), for all practical purposes, I am right as the mail. And it don't get no righter than that. But I do preshyate cha.

Couldn't you just eat right out of her hands?

Regards,

E.

I'm Looking For An Issue

2006-01-28T20:31:00.000-06:00

I would like to open a WARROOM here at The Ebb & Flow Institute. A room where staff members monitor current events surrounding an issue and maintain a constant state of righteous hyper-tension as they plot strategies on a large wall map.

The problem is, my current mood ranges from bored to been there didn't do that the first time.

I need an issue.

If you have any spare issues, I would like to hear about it/them. But don't waste my time, I get bored easily, so strip it down to the g-string, parade it past me and see if I tip.

This Post is About Google and Stuff

2006-01-26T20:31:00.000-06:00

Do you like posts that make a good point with very few words and lots of pictures?

Yeah.

Me too.

Bass Fishing with Famous People

2006-01-22T09:39:00.000-06:00

The producers of DANCING WITH THE STARS, SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES and BUT CAN THEY SING, proudly present.....

BASS FISHING WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE

Bass Fishing With Famous People partners famous mega-superstars with professional Bass Fishermen to compete for an unprecedented BassMasters Bass Fishing title. Hosted by seasoned fishing show host persons Larry Csonka and Bai Ling, the show features some of the most recognized and celebrated names in professional bass fishing and a mix of celebrities who span a wide spectrum within the entertainment industry.

Collectively the participants have won 40 Bass Fishing medals and have caught thousands of pounds of bass fishes. Over the course of these seven riveting episodes, the celebrities and their professional partners will travel to some of the hottest bass fishing reservoirs and deliver some heart pounding fantastic bass action.

Heath Ledger, star of the critically acclaimed smokin' hot box office smash hit Brokeback Mountain, speaks to bass.

I wish I knew how to........catch you!

Rising young star on the BASSMASTER circuit Jeff Coble coaches his celebrity partner, front person for the rock band Hole.

Be the crankbait Courtney. Be the crankbait.

Watch as Don Francisco, the indispensable host of the variety show Sabado Gigante reels in many basses.

I corazón grande bass.

Heather Graham star of the long running ABC hit drama Emily's Reasons Why Not, guts bass fishing like a fish.

To me, successful bass fishing is all about building relationships.

Paris Hilton pauses for a moment after some hot bass action to freshen up her pork rind.

Catching things is easy.

Ray Nagin, one of the most entertaining mayors in US history multitasks on the show, fishin' and a thinkin'.

I think, if we put our heads together we could come up with a colorful euphemism for large mouth black bass.

Lots to Think About

2006-01-18T21:31:00.000-06:00

I was sitting here wondering at what age a beverage becomes an adult beverage when the local news weather person (who is not a babe) said that not only is the weekend right around the corner, but so is the word rain.

Shit, the word rain is right around the corner. What corner? The one by the hallway leading from the great room to the visitors center? The corner outside? Is it a one dimensional word like I see when I read the word rain? Or is it a full blown three-dimensional word? Either way my recovering from cancer dog will not be pleased. Enid will not be pleased, not even one iota.

Enid doesn't even know what an iota is. Come to think of it, I don't either. I don't even know if iota is spelled correctly. Where do you go to look crap like that up. It might surprise you to know that I don't know this stuff even though I once spent sixteen glorious months living in Iowa.

Rain was not just right around the corner when I was in Iowa, it was backing up from the sewer system into my hallway. Shit. And potato peels from the guy upstairs making potato soup. Throw them away dude, don't run them down the disposal. Don't you know it is flooding? God must have been angry with Des Moines. Fortunately he was less angry with West Des Moines because our water plant didn't flood.

West Des Moines isn't very chocolate.

They say once a city goes chocolate it never goes back.

It is just too much to think about.

4 out of 5 Analyst Recommend Missile Strikes For Their Clients Who Fight Terrorists

2006-01-17T17:19:00.000-06:00

I have been chewing on this for a day now, and I feel I must respectfully disagree with the gentleman pictured to the right. It has now been reported that four or five foreign terrorist may have bitten the dust in a US missile attack over the weekend.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to just go and ruin peoples dinner, and I don't want to do anything to cause our relationship with Pakistan to decay; but if you are having dinner with some of the worlds most wanted men, then you are assuming the risk of dealing with the fangs of the so called "paper tiger". If you choose to take this risk, brace yourself, there might just be a huge cavity where your dinner table once rested.

Let's not put a glossy enamel on this just to maintain our relationship with Pakistan. We shouldn't have to apologize for killing terrorists and those who harbor them. Certainly, if children were killed,(and we have no way of knowing) that would be nothing to smile about, but the responsibility for their deaths has to reside with their parents who associate with mass-murderers.

This may not be a toothsome proposition for some Pakis, it may leave them chagrined, but if you provide safe haven for terrorists you run the risk of having your chicklets kicked in.

Gore Defends Innocent Civilian's Liberty--Slams Bush

2006-01-16T18:24:00.000-06:00

Former Vice President Al Gore called on Monday for an independent counsel to investigate whether President George W. Bush broke the law in authorizing eavesdropping without court approval.

"A special counsel should be immediately appointed by the attorney general to remedy the obvious conflict of interest that prevents him from investigating what many believe are serious violations of law by the president," Gore said in a speech to The Popular Front for the American Constitution Liberation Society.

"As we begin this new year, the Executive Branch of our government has been caught eavesdropping on huge numbers of citizens and has brazenly dispatched an assassination drone acting on illegally obtained information that led to the death of 17 innocent women and children; who were merely trying to have a dinner party in their privacy of their constitutionally protected home", Gore stated to an attentive audience.

"At present, we still have much to learn about the NSA's surveillance. What we do know about this pervasive wiretapping virtually compels the conclusion that the President of the United States has been breaking the law repeatedly and persistently. If things do not change innocent civilians will continue to be in grave danger when they try to invite respected leaders of international organizations to join them in breaking bread", Gore remarked emphatically to a chanting crowd.

The assembled crowd sways to the soothing lilt that is the voice of Al Gore.

An Excerpt From the Alito Hearings

2006-01-11T19:28:00.000-06:00

............well, enough about my thoughts on these important constitutional matters, we have a few minutes left, let me ask you a question.

Okay.

What are your thoughts on my opening statement?

Very impressive.

Thank you.

I really like that thing you do where you take long pauses, making a thoughtful "uuuhhh" sound, with a deep thinking intellectual look on you face.

I've been working on that.

I can tell.

My Gift to You....Because I Care

2006-01-10T20:46:00.000-06:00

I love this painting, but for the spot I have in mind it needs to be at least 18"x24". If only medical science could help.

If Pa finds out......sharia shotgun divorce baby!!

Coming Soon to Discriminating Theatres Near You

2006-01-08T10:55:00.000-06:00

Brokeback Jihadis

A raw, powerful story of two young Marin County goat herders who flee their culture's heteronormative oppression in search of self-actualization and spiritual fulfillment.

The two protagonists meet in 2003 on their way to an Islamic Conflict Resolution and Cultural Harmony Camp somewhere in the mountains of Afghanistan.

In the close quarters of their pup tent the two budding Jihadis taste the forbidden fruit of unprotected man-love that is never spoken of in their sexually repressed homeland of Northern California.

In the open and tolerant environment of their Jihadi love camp the two young men form the kind of life long bond the likes of which few in western society are capable.

"Like the prophet Muhammad (peace be unto him), we accept and love all people, whatever lifestyle choice they have made."

Because of their strict adherence to the Jihadi Health and Safety Administration's guidelines the two young Jihadis return home and go their separate ways after three years of the rewarding but often dangerous duty of spreading the Prophets love.

In their home country where homosexuals are routinely rounded up and persecuted the two lovers yearn for their days back in the pup tent.

"I want all those people who are orientered differently than us, rounded up!"

In this era of unconstitutional dictatorship, homo Jihadis are routinely arrested and held as enemy combatants, forced to do back breaking work at an undisclosed location somewhere in Wyoming.

"It's a deeply felt, emotional love story that deals with the uncharted, mysterious ways of the human heart just as so many mainstream films have before it. The two lovers here just happen to be homo Jihadis."-- Kenneth Turan, LOS ANGELES TIMES

"This is one of the best serious films about Jihadi homosexuality ever made..."-- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Director Ang Lee infuses every frame with conviction and tenderness though the powerful ewww factor of the two lovers trying to lead a heterosexual lifestyle will keep away most moviegoers. 3 1/2 STARS for the thematically disturbing but expertly crafted ÂBrokeback Jihadi." --Michael Medved, Eye on Entertainment

Dear Stupid British Homos,

2006-01-07T13:32:00.000-06:00

Coming soon....Brokeback Jihadis.

Editors Note-Part I

2006-01-02T18:32:00.000-06:00

As the head of the think tank Institute which is known to those in the know as The Ebb & Flow Institute, I feel it is my duty to make a short announcement. We here are the Institute had hoped to post during the holidays more of the light hearted yet deadly serious world class journalism that many...., many of you have come to expect from the Institute.

This was our wish. Our way of brightening up your days while keeping you up to date on the important events of the day. This was to be our way of giving back to the community when so many bloggers are taking it easy.

This did not happen. Rest assured we have not been taking it easy. No. We have been working on some renovations here at the Institute's World Headquarters, and we have allocated an inordinate amount of time lately caring for the infirm. You might say we have been busier than a one-legged paper hanger in a brass bra.

Please keep checking in with us, you never know when or where you might stumble across an award winning blog post, and we do love your comments on issues ranging from chewing pudding to hog rentals.

Cordialment,

Pile

ANNOUNCEMENT

2005-12-27T12:26:00.000-06:00

This blog does not rent pigs!

UPDATE: There are no circumstances under which we will rent pigs, so please do not try and come up with hypothetical situations where we might rent pigs. This just isn't that kind of blog.

Thank you, and good day.

The Staff, Management, Flora and Fauna of The Ebb & Flow Institute Wish You A Merry Christmas

2005-12-24T08:37:00.000-06:00

Best Post of 2005 Contest

2005-12-21T10:40:00.000-06:00

Mister Snitch is hosting a contest for the best post of 2005, read all about it here.

I am going to make a couple of nomination (other peoples posts, not my own). This got me thinking about my own posts and which would have the best chance of not coming in last in the humor category.

The Ebb & Flow Institute 2005 Year in Review.

1. The End of the Trail Series.

The adventures of Ward Churchill and Sithole the trans-gendered track star from Zimbabwe. Part I, II, III, IV, V.

2. Excerpts From The Rice Confirmation Hearings.

One of my personal favorites.

3. The Good The Bad & Pile

This was probably my most linked post that didn't involve female teachers having sex with their students.

4. An Inquiry Into The Nature And Mental Wealth Of Bloggers.

Part I and II. These are the posts that started the pudding blogging phenomenon.

5. Royal Mascot Shocker

A few moments with Camilla and the Wichita State University mascot.

6. The Wild Jihadi Series

Part I--Introduced Species in Iraq

Part II--Wild Jihadis in London Infiltrated

7. The On Liberty Curve

This was not a humor post, but one that I consider to be good, and it represents the kind of work that we here at the Institute pride ourselves on.

8. Where All The Flowers Go

This post has not yet stood the test of time, but a few freepers seem to like it, and a few don't realize it is satire, which for me is one of the great joys of writing satire.

2005-12-20T16:49:00.000-06:00

The Pudding Industry Council is committed to developing industry-wide, science-based strategies to solve the problem of food mastication. The council will accomplish this by identifying, funding and prioritizing research from the pudding farm to the table; developing programs to help industry segments operate in todays business environment; speaking with one voice in seeking regulatory and legislative solutions; developing and implementing industry information programs to assist in the transfer of technology into the marketplace, and providing pertinent, accurate and reliable information to consumers.

In Todays busy world, who has time to waste manducating?

Great Moments in the Democrat's War on Things That Terrorize Them

2005-12-19T15:31:00.000-06:00

After the 94 elections, one question my administration had to answer was, using the authority I have, how do we effectively detect enemies hiding in our midst and prevent them from striking us again?

We know that a two-minute phone conversation between somebody linked to the RNC and an operative in Congress could lead directly to the loss of dozens of congressional seats. To prevent this, we must be able to act fast and to detect these conversations so we can prevent new political setbacks.

So, consistent with U.S. law and the Constitution, I authorize the interception of cellular communications of people with known links to Republican leadership and related right wing organizations.

This program is carefully reviewed after every election to ensure it is being used properly. Democrat Leaders in the United States Congress have been briefed more than a dozen times on this program. --President Bill Clinton

Finally

2005-12-18T10:43:00.000-06:00

It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas here at The Ebb & Flow Institute.

This Silver Maple tree that resides on what is today the grounds of The Ebb & Flow Institute is believed to have been planted by General Sam Houston during a break on his advance toward San Jacinto.

Even in times of war a man must pause to be a responsible steward of the planet.... now..... fetch me a shovel, we got us a tree to plant.--General Sam Houston

Where All The Flowers Go

2005-12-15T20:03:00.000-06:00

Klaus-Dieter Dubon, a retired Bavarian notary and children's literature expert has unearthed new evidence that Adolph Hitler wrote a book for children during the final months before he took his own life in the waning days of World War II.

The book entitled Where All the Flowers Go, is said to be a beautifully woven tale that warns children about the dangers of growing up to be fascist dictators. It is believed that Adolph had intended for the royalties to go to nonprofit agencies that help troubled youths who might otherwise grow up to invade neighboring countries.

These new revelations have sent shockwaves through the academic and political world as historians try to make sense of just what this means. Noted professor of religion and African-American studies at Princeton University Cornel West said in an interview with Democracy Now, "what are the prevailing dogmas of our day? Free market fundamentalism. The market is a idol as fetish. The private sector somehow having these mystical capacities to solve problems as opposed to being constructs of human beings, driven by profit. What are the realities of our day? The reality of escalating militarism. The reality of Hitler as Hitler. The reality of Bush as Hitler, only now Hitler isn't Hitler so what is Bush? I think it is fair to say Bush has never written any children's literature. One have to wonder, would we have this advancing imperialism had Barbara Bush read this book to her children?

Many celebrities held a candlelight vigil at the Holocaust museum near San Quentin California. Joan Baez addressed the crowd from a small plywood stage set up just outside the gates."The allies advance on Berlin can now only be seen as a planned, efficient, calculated, antiseptic, cold-blooded murder and I think everyone who is here is here to try to enlist the morality and soul of this country. Yes, Adolph's violent past was well known, but he had become a textbook version of rehabilitation as he was trapped in his bunker for months on end. Clearly this author was not the same man that invaded Poland. The fact he was forced to execute himself was a travesty of justice. His book could have answered the question of where all the flowers have gone, years before a generation felt the pain of my query".

The gathered crowd was brought to tears when Jesse Jackson solemnly spoke them. "The victors in war have always written the history of western civilization, hey hey ho ho, it is time to re-examine the history that must go. What else have we been taught that isn't so?"

Jackson went on, "What is certain is that Adolph tried to be a voice reaching out to the voiceless. He tried to encouraged youth to lift themselves up so as not to end up as fascist dictators who start world wars. Had he not been silenced, his voice might have reached impoverished and alienated youth in places police dare not tread. Through his personal transformation in a bunker, he could have brought light to dark places because he knew where to look for dark places. He spoke truth to power with a sincere knowledge of what would lie ahead for these youth, giving them a stark look at what their future could be if they didn't renounce aggressive imperialism and gas chambers. And they would have listened, because he was one of them.

Amnesty International also condemned the forced self-execution of Hitler.

A Point to Ponder

2005-12-11T09:14:00.000-06:00

Okay, I agree the show was bad, criminally gawdawful even. But can someone tell me why the state of California is going to execute Tootie?

While Natalie is allowed to walk free?

-

Iranian President Ahmadinejad's Defeatism

2005-12-10T20:45:00.000-06:00

Iranian President Ahmadinejad re-ignited the debate over the Israeli conflict with his remarks to a San Antonio radio station on Sunday. "The idea that Israel is going to win the war is just plain wrong. Sharon has a permanent commitment to a failed strategy" Ahmadinejad went on to say, "Israel needs to be out of there and take the targets off their civilians' back."

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad implied that European countries backed the founding of Israel in the Middle East in 1948 based on manipulated intelligence regarding chemical and biological weapons and an exaggerated threat to the Jewish people in the West's head long rush to establish the Zionist state.

Ahmadinejad renewed his call for Israel to strategically redeploy their troops to some place near Israel, perhaps a few hundred miles west of Tel Aviv, laying out what he said was another option for victory in Transjordan. "I want to make it clear" he said, " I am not calling for an imediate withdrawal, but a smooth and orderly withdawal over the next six months."

Ahmadinejad went on to say, "I wish the British and Americans had paid more attention to the history of the area before the Zionist occupation began. I am convinced, and everything that I've read, the conclusion I've reached is there will be less terrorism, there will be less danger to the Jews, and it'll be less insurgency once the IDF is out and Israel is located somewhere in Germany or Switzerland.

New Study Bolsters Claim of Left's Sexual Superiority

2005-12-10T12:33:00.000-06:00

Details can be found here.

2005-12-09T19:30:00.000-06:00

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John Kerry on Face the Nation--An Excerpt

2005-12-06T19:54:00.000-06:00

"And there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, with the full awareness of officers at all levels of command, terrorizing kids and children, you know, turning on the power, alarming cattle and goats, randomly leaving up toilet seats, and generally ravaging refrigerators in the normal and very particular ravaging which is done by the applied eating power of this country, breaking sort of the customs of the – of – the historical customs, religious customs in a fashion reminiscent just to the left of Rush Limbaugh," Kerry said Sunday.....

"Whether you like it or not ... Iraqis should be doing that."

2005 Weblog Awards

2005-12-05T20:09:00.000-06:00

It is time all Institute patrons to do their patriotic duty and vote in the 2005 Weblog Awards. I know many of you are disappointed that The Ebb & Flow Institute didn't make the list of finalists. I understand, I feel your pain. Well not really. The Institute is an acquired taste, and it isn't like we have been working very hard at it lately.

One of my nominations did make the cut for finalist, so, go vote for good friend of the Institute, spd rdr @ Heigh Ho in the Best of the Rest category.

John @ Wuzzadem is in a dog fight (well, in a fight with a dog) in the Best Nude Blog category. I don't understand how he got nominated in this category, but we need to support our friends, regardless of their blogstyle choices.

I like Beautiful Atrocities and Six Meat Buffet in the best Humor Blog Category. Go vote for somebody, because right now a site called Jesus' General is leading the race. Call me what you will, but I think the best humor blog should be.....uh.....humorous.

For Best Blog I endorse Michelle Malkin, because I like her, she is a great blogger and has the best chance of preventing a Daily Kos victory.

And please,help spread the sunshine with a vote for Vinnie, in this category.

I may make some endorsements in the other categories when I have the chance, but in the mean time, you can vote once a day for the next ten days.

The Ebb & Flow Institute--1st Anniversary

2005-12-01T20:37:00.000-06:00

Publisher's Statement
Standing atop history, yelling beer me!

By Pile On®

There is, we like to think, solid reason for rejoicing. Prodigious efforts, by many people, are responsible for The Ebb & Flow Institute. But since it will be the policy of this think tank institute to reject the hypodermic approach to thinking and then blogging, we may as well start out at once, and admit that the joy is not unconfined. Shit no.

Let's face it: Unlike Topeka, it seems altogether possible that did The Ebb & Flow Institute not exist, no one would have invented it. The launching of a conservative whenever the hell we feel like it blog in a country widely assumed to be a bastion of conservatism at first glance looks like a work of supererogation, rather like publishing a royalist weekly within the walls of Buckingham Palace. It is not that, of course; if The Ebb & Flow Institute is superfluous, it is so for very different reasons: It stands athwart history, yelling beer me, at a time when no one is inclined to yell for beverages, or to have much patience with those who so urge it.

"I happen to prefer a Pale Ale to ditchwater," said the benign old wrecker of the ordered society, Oliver Wendell Holmes, "but there is no reason to suppose that asshats do." We have come around to Mr. Holmes' view, so much that we feel gentlemanly doubts when asserting the superiority of capitalism to socialism, of republicanism to centralism, of Pale Ale to ditchwater — of somethingorother to a whatchamacallit. How curious that one of the doubts one is not permitted is whether, at the margin, (whether not your doubt, lest they be whethered on!) Mr. Holmes was a useful citizen!

The inroads that relativism has made on the American soul are not so easily evident. One must recently have lived on or close to a college campus to have a vivid intimation of what has happened. It is there that we see how a number of energetic social loafers, plugging their loaves, succeeded over the years in capturing the liberal intellectual imagination. And since ideas rule the world, the ideologues, having won over the intellectual class, simply walked in and started to run things (by run, you might intimate, I mean intercourse up).

There are, thank Heaven, the exceptions. There are those of generous impulse and a sincere desire to encourage a responsible dissent from the orthodox orthodoxy. And there are those who recognize that when all is said and done, at the end of the day, the bottom line is, this sentence is going absolutely nowhere. They recognize, therefore, that at times one must grapple with the realization that difficult decisions must be forthcoming. Should one pour another beverage and finish this post, or would one be better served by a visit to the men's room? Our political economy and our high-energy industry run on large, general principles, on ideas — not by day-to-day guess work, expedients and improvisations. Ideas have to go into exchange to become or remain operative; and the medium of such exchange is Albert Gore's Internets. A vigorous and incorruptible blog of conservative opinion is — dare we say it? — as necessary to better living as over-hopped ale at breakfast. We begin blogging then, with a considerable stock of experience with the irresponsible Right, and a despair of the intransigence of the assmunches, who run this country; and all this in a world dominated by the jubilant single-mindedness of the practicing Communist, with his inside track to the ash heap. All this would not appear to augur well for The Ebb & Flow Institute. Yet we start with a considerable — and considered — optimism. Urination be damned, to the refridgerator it is!!

After all, we crashed through. I can't say how many investors made this blog possible. A score of policy analysts pledged their devoted attention to its needs, and hundreds of thoughtful men and women gave evidence that the appearance of such a blog as we have in mind would profoundly affect their lives.

Our own views, as expressed in a memorandum drafted a year ago, and directed to our investors, are set forth in a long forgotten post. We have nothing to offer but the best that is in us. That, a thousand Liberals who read this sentiment will say with relief, is clearly not enough! It isn't enough. But it is at this point that we steal the march. For we offer, besides ourselves, a position that has not grown old under the weight of a gigantic, parasitic bureaucracy, a position untempered by the doctoral dissertations of a generation of Ph.D's yelling shitfire in a crowded theatre, saving no matches, bearing a cynical contempt for human freedom. And that, ladies and gentlemen, kicks ass all the way from you monitor, through your retina, breaking you off proper in you temporal lobes.

Cheers,

Pile

CODE PINK Completes Acquisition of Sheehan Corp.

2005-11-23T09:57:00.000-06:00

SAN FRANCISCO - CODE PINK Inc. on Monday completed its acquisition of Sheehan Corp., creating the largest truth to food product communications company in the United States.

By absorbing Crawford Texas based Ma Sheehan, CODE PINK'S tentacles will now reach into every major segment of the U.S. cuisine communications market. The crown jewel of the deal is Sheehan's brand identity and media relations business division.

For Ma Sheehan, the merger saves the company from a potentially bleak future of declining media market share in the face of stiff competition from new truth to chow communications companies or the emergence of alternative icons.

"We are ready to meet the needs of a new generation of customers in a new era of articulating factuality to nutritional substances," Medea Benjamin, chairwomyn and CEO of CODE PINK Inc., said in a statement.

The new company will be known as code sheehan Inc. and will start trading under the ticker symbol "L" on the New York Stock Exchange on Dec. 1. In the interim, it will trade under the existing "CP" symbol.

Photo of Ma Sheehan speaking truth to Pizza unapologetically ripped off from John @ Wuzzadem.

House Rejects Martha's Cut & Run Thanksgiving Proposal

2005-11-19T13:50:00.000-06:00

The House of Representatives overwhelmingly rejected last night a proposal to withdraw troops from Iraq for the Thanksgiving holiday, after two days of over-hyped media coverage of Martha Stewart's new book, Surrender Baghdad for the Holidays.

In a lopsided 403 to 3 vote, Democrats showed they were unwilling to back Martha's Turkey day pullout proposal - even though many voiced support of her anti-war during the holidays announcement earlier this week.

"Our military chefs have done everything that has been asked of them, they cannot be expected to prepare an appropriate, fun, family holiday meal. I think our troops should try to entertain at home, they should try to cook something really delicious," Martha, a 37-year Media Mogul veteran, said Thursday.

"It's time to bring them home," Martha said.

Though the American media ballyhooed Martha's comments as an indication that support for war during the holiday season is collapsing at home, Friday night's vote showed there was almost no backing in Congress for such a move.

Only three left-wing anti-war during the holidays radicals voted for Martha's plan - Reps. Cynthia McKinney, Jose Serano and Robert Wexler.

Friday morning Arizona Rep. J.D. Hayworth began lobbying for a vote on a "statement of clarity" on where the House stands on war during the holidays.

"J.D. came up with a great idea, and took it to the (GOP) conference, and then was persistent to take it to leadership," Hayworth's Republican colleague, Rep. Rick Renzi, told the Arizona Republic.

"Saddam Hussein has been disposed, he is behind bars, our troops can use his many presidential palaces to have a first class Thanksgiving celebration this year," Hayworth argued. "Dare we now deprive our troops of this once in a lifetime opportunity? I don't believe the American people will stand for it."

Democrats described the vote on Martha's proposal as a political stunt and quickly decided to vote against it in an attempt to drain it of significance.

"To ask us to vote on the position we have taken is a disgrace," declared House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif. "The rankest of politics and the absence of any sense of shame," added Rep. Steny Hoyer of Maryland, the No. 2 House Democrat.

War during the holidays opponents were further enraged when Ohio Republican Rep. Jean Schmidt stood to announce that she'd just taken a call from a Marine chef in Iraq.

"He asked me to send Congress a message: stay the course, we can put on a hell of a spread for our troops" Ms. Schmidt said. "He also asked me to send domestic diva Martha a message: that cowards cut and run in the face of feeding large groups of people a holiday meal, Marines never do."

Democrats erupted in anger - and at one point, Tennessee Rep. Harold Ford was seen looking very emotional in front of a C-SPAN camera.

In the end, however, even their rejection of Martha's pullout plan was nearly unanimous.

When asked about the vote, Martha said it was regrettable but recommended the troops take in some of Baghdad's terrific museums, galleries and theaters. She went on to rave about her tour of the Mesopotamian Museum of Natural History last year.

A Brief Editorial From the Desk of Pile

2005-11-15T19:57:00.000-06:00

I wrote a post about this today. Thankfully, before I posted it, I happened to read it and discovered that it was completely lacking in funny. What some people call the most deliberative body in the world (why they call it that I have not a clue), has displayed an incredible lack of class, vision, courage and grasp of history.

President Bush has been resolute and consistent regarding the WOT, for his own party to hand a political victory to the Democrats is bad enough; but more importantly to show the world weakness and encourage our enemies to hold out, strengthened in the knowledge that our will to fight will eventually dissipate is unforgivable. To do this while Bush is out of the country just reeks of Senate.

Why anyone would question President Bush for not wanting to pick a political fight with Senate Republicans having his back is beyond me.

Intellectual Property Theft Is Not Child's Play

2005-11-08T08:31:00.000-06:00

As the legal presence and Chair of the Redundant Department of Redundancy here at the Ebb & Flow Institute, one of my limited duties is to ensure the protection of the goodwill, trademarks and patents of the Institute.

It has recently come to my attention that Noggin, a TV channel allegedly for children, will begin a show next week called Ebb and Flo. This show will feature a little girl and her trusty dog who live on a river with their mother (see picture at right). Apparently, the father is a malcontent deadbeat dad. Aren't all TV dads nowadays?

The girl and her dog get into all kinds of hilarious and heart touching adventures.

In other words, except for the deadbeat dad thing, it is apparently based upon the life of either Onlette or KJita. The name, of course, is clearly ripped off of this web site.

Noggin apparently believes that the mere omission of a single letter "W" (no doubt removed by commie bedwetting children's story writers as an effort to slight our President) can overcome the obvious theft of Ebb & Flow Institute's intellectual property. As the Church of Scientology has taught us, a single letter change does not matter. The confusion is obvious, and this abuse will not stand.

A cease and desist letter will be forwarded to Noggin in the near future. Unless you have a young child in the house, we encourage you to boycott all things Noggin until this controversy is resolved. If you have a young child in the house, well never mind. It is a really good channel for young children. Still, you should grumble when turning the channel to Noggin.

Cross posted at The Cheese.

French Protests Continue for 10th Straight Day

2005-11-06T12:17:00.000-06:00

North African Leaders Struggle to Address Root Causes of French Violence

Successive immigration schemes by governments across North Africa to fill their slumping economies demand for idle overpaid workers has government officials reeling to find the root causes of French violence after 10 straight days of riots. Decades of urban redevelopment plans have not rid the African suburbs of their Third World feel. Some high-cost housing projects that once were seen as models of urban progression, with heating, bidets, and tree lined streets, have degenerated into no-go zones where even police ride through without stopping, windows rolled up.

The problem is not immigration per se, but a failure of of the native population to be assimilated into the superior French culture. Leaders across Africa admit reluctantly that they have been slow to provide their immigrant population with stuffy sidewalk cafe's and unpleasant over roasted coffee beverages.

Nations from Morocco to Egypt need more than a police response to rioting. They needs a humane response as well, one that signals that they, as the poorest and most backward nations on earth, care about the benefits and vacation time of the tens of thousands of more fortunate people throughout the region.

"We can no longer afford to be seen as callous and uncaring" stated a Libyan government spokesperson. "We need a concerted, new effort with all the diplomatic and economic means at our disposal to help resolve the disputes that our French immigrants have."

The Libyan government announced plans for a nationwide three week vacation next august. The entire country will spend several weeks together at summer camps in the Sahara, bunking together, eating and playing sports with "the more recently immigrated Libyans." Most important, they will also spend several hours a day engaged in small discussion groups. They are calling them "coexistence" groups.

A French protester stops bicycle traffic in Morocco.

Alito It Is

2005-10-31T21:15:00.000-06:00

Honestly I don't know what Bush is thinking here. I am against this nomination and I am calling both of my senators and urging them to slam both of their nuts in a car door.

If you are a SCOTUS-ophile, you just might get cameras in the courtroom though.

-

Hey, Let's Go Try This New Thing

2005-10-30T13:08:00.000-06:00

Hello Institute patrons, it is that time again where you live vicariously through me, Pile, as I swerve out of the comfortable groove of American life going where the more pedestrian chairman of think institutes only fantasize about going.

On today's episode we travel out of the banal into the untrite Chinese supermarket curiously named the Welcome Market, located on Bellaire avenue in the Southwest region of Houston known as, Chinatown.

What toothsome adventures await us there?

This does not appear to lack in qualities that make for spirit and adventure.

There has been a lot of talk about preserved duck eggs in and around the Institute lately, but the question no one seems capable of answering is, just exactly how are these embryos preserved?

I have heard they use clay, pine needles, concrete powder and even that they bury the eggs in pits of molten mud. As I ponder these methods, none of them seem to answer all of the questions that flood through my eager mind.

Who hasn't gazed with hungry eyes upon the jar of pickled eggs at the end of the bar and thought silently to themselves, "I would eat one or a few of those suckers, if only they were black"?

My nostrils are exhilarated with rapturous wafts of ammonia. I know at this moment, I will never use Mr. Clean again without fond memories of this very moment.

A pessimist would see this as the egg being half gone. Thanks to an Ancient Cajun Secret, I see it as another half egg I have yet to relish.

You must guard against a bout of temporary depression at moments like this, when you come face to face with the sudden realization that, the egg is gone. The egg...... is gone.

It is best to ease back into the ordinary with a delectable room temperature can of Grass Jelly Drink.

The Grand Western Food Corporation of Taichung City, Taiwan did not scrimp on ingredients here. Each 11.3 oz. can is just loaded with real grass jelly!

-

Friday Vespers--Ask Chairman On Day

2005-10-28T15:48:00.000-05:00

Hello and Welcome Institute Patrons to another exciting episode of Friday Vespers here at the all new this old The Ebb & Flow Institute.

Here is what's up. When I don't have time to write there is always something I want to write about. This afternoon I finally have a little time and I am completely uninspired. So if there is something you want me to write about, please let me know.

Inspire me, be my muse.

If you have a question, Lord knows I can answer it. If you need advice, lean on me brother/sister.

Just ask Chairman On. I am here for you.

In the mean time, I give you.... woman with beer.

Disclaimer- Pile will make every effort to respond to every comment and act upon every suggestion, but he reserves the right to ingore any and all of them as well.

Damn It!!

2005-10-26T23:13:00.000-05:00

I knew I picked the wrong week to stop changing my underwear.

A Moment of Reflection with The Onlette™

2005-10-22T15:58:00.000-05:00

Hello everybody!

I have a few thoughts I would like to share with you today, but first I want to thank my employer, the head of this august Institute, Mr. On, for giving me the microphone, so to speak, to address the entire world, in its entirety.

As many of you know, the Houston Astros are in the World Series, which begins today. This occassion has special meaning for me, as the Astros season has paralleled my own career here at the Institute in almost every way.

I don't know much about the Chicago White Sox, who as many of you know are the Astros opponent in the World Series. I have nothing against them mind you, but here at The Institute we ignore the American League as a matter of principle. As Pile says, baseball is a game of nine players, an extra roster slot making the players union happy and an easier job for the manager does not endear your league to us. Nosiree.

So I have endeavored to learn a little about the White Sox, and what I have learned has left me shocked and more than a little appalled. Did you know that in one of every four World Series appearances the White Sox have taken money to throw the series? As someone who works with statistics everyday in my job, I find that high a percentage of series throwing appalling and more than a little shocking. If it were just three percent, or even ten percent, I might not even bring it up, but twenty five percent?

I felt I should give the White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen a call to see if he could allay my shock and more than a little appalledness. So I called him up and I said "Ozzie, durn it, can you allay my fears that the White Sox are going to throw the series like they have in one of every four previous World Series appearances?" Ozzie told me I have nothing to worry about, and I take him at his word. I do feel better, I do not want the Astros first World Series victory to be remembered as just another White Sox scandal. Nope. Don't want that.

So anyway, I gave Scrap Iron (the Astros manager) a call to tell him that the White Sox were probably not going to throw the series, and I asked him what he thought of his teams chances. He said, "The Onlette, I have a good feeling about this, most smart peoples are picking us in 6 and I think that is about right. The White Sox are going to go home unhappy. Maybe they should have taken the money. Again."

So that is all I have today. When does the game start?

The Onlette™

A Whatever Happened to Friday Vespers Post

2005-10-22T15:10:00.000-05:00

Hello and welcome Institute patrons to a long overdue Saturday version of Friday Vespers. Here at the Institute we have made the rare move of opening up the visitors center on a Saturday to kick off the 2005 World Series. So, make yourself at home, the beer is free in the lounge, and the game will be on in the media room.

Before the game starts, we need to take care of some overdue business. As soon as I remember my blogroll username, I will be making the following additions/changes.

Vinnie has moved to a new home. Nice graphics, but I think the boy has some issues with death. Cool site, check it out.

Adding Think Sink is long overdue, another site to get your blog funny fix.

A site called Conservathink has recently come to my attention, it is worth checking out. Go.

Now, back to baseball. Houston in 6.

UPDATE:

I mean Houston in 6.......baby!

BREAKING NEWS

2005-10-22T11:59:00.000-05:00

THIS JUST IN.... EFI EXCLUSIVE....MUST CREDIT THE EBB & FLOW INSTITUTE.

We have just received an urgent communique from a swarm of citizen journalists known as the Killer Beehives. Details are sketchy at this point, but it appears that the Houston Astros are in the World Series. Baby.

More updates as the situation develops......

2005-10-15T15:54:00.000-05:00

New Metamucil with Calcium.

Because people who want awesome bowel movements need a foundation of strong bones from which to maintain their purchase!!

MORE BREAKING NEWS

2005-10-13T18:54:00.000-05:00

Harriet Miers was not my first choice for the Supreme Court. Truth be told, she was not my second choice either.

So, in light of these facts, I have decided the only sensible course of action is to slam my huevos in the car door.

...

...

...

Just thought you might want to know.

I'm Not Good At Poetry

2005-10-12T18:57:00.000-05:00

But this doesn't sound like good news.

Salute.

BREAKING NEWS

2005-10-10T21:34:00.000-05:00

Buckley Fires Staff at National Review.

Hires the first hundred names in the Boston phonebook to run magazine.

Developing.....

The Miers Headline I Wish I Had Written a Week Ago

2005-10-10T18:40:00.000-05:00

The Right Is Itching For a Fight.

Bush does not disappoint.

Important Blog Business

2005-10-09T21:30:00.000-05:00

I have not been able to blog much lately, but that does not stop the important blog business from piling up on my blog desk.

First, I know people have been wanting to know what I think of the Miers nomination for the Supreme Court. I won't make you wait, I support her, and the president, somewhere in the neighborhood of 100%. Why? Call it pre-presidential courtesy. You see, when I become president, I don't want a bunch of past and future presidents carping about my nominations. Like everyone else, they are going to take my nominations, and they are damn well going to like them.

If there is a good argument for Bush to withdraw this nomination it is this. The possibility of Arlen Specter and Patrick Leahy questioning her on her knowledge of the intricacies of constitutional law might prove to be too nauseating, even for Senate hearings.

************************************************************************************

COMING SOON

Blogroll updates.

And look forward to live blogging Sunday morning fishing shows. Next Sunday.

That's What I'm Talking About

2005-10-09T21:05:00.000-05:00

Holy Toledo!

The Astros beat the Braves in four (if it is any consolation to Braves fans, it felt like five) to advance to the NLCS. We would like to take this opportunity to give a big The Ebb & Flow Institute salute to the Atlanta Braves. They played well, and we here at the Institute know that it sucks to lose after you have a big lead and your bullpen throws gas on a fire.

It was a great game, with great pitching performances, a grand slam for each side, and a two out ninth inning homer to tie the game. An old man got the win pitching on a night when he never dreamed he would take the field, he even laid down a beautiful sacrifice bunt. It was fun to watch Mr. Clemens trying to end the game himself by swinging for the fences. In the end the much younger Chris Burke became the hero of the moment an ended the six hour affair.

I don't know if the Astros can beat the Cardinals. But I do know this, the are not likely to quit.

Johnsons Not Jihadis

2005-10-02T17:55:00.000-05:00

After reading this brilliantly written and flawlessly executed post on the growing conservative movement in Berkeley; which contains photos from a Breasts not Bombs anti-war protest, I am giving some consideration to starting a pro-war counter protest movement.

I just haven't settled on a name for the movement, which I am sure will generate a groundswell of support.

Here are a few names I am kicking around (figuratively not literally).

Pleasure Pickles not Peackniks

Manroots not Moonbats

Trouser Hawgs not Terrorists

Dinglehoppers not Democrats

Love Guns not Leftards

Pink Cigars not Commie Pinkos

Doo-hickeys not Dimwits

Pocket Otters not Appeasers

Man Hammers not Marxists

Baloney Ponys not Bolsheviks

like all good grass roots movements, we (I) are (am) open to suggestions.

The Astros Make the Playoffs

2005-10-02T17:37:00.000-05:00

My....., this post seems like a long, long time ago.

After losing 30 of their first 45 games the Astros clinch a playoff spot on the final day of the season. Now they get to play the Braves and the probable starters are Smoltz and Pettitte.

It doesn't get any better than that.

Disclaimer: May the best team win.

An American Refugee

2005-09-27T12:37:00.000-05:00

Hello Institute patrons, please allow me to take this opportunity to thank all of you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers as the Institute had to be evacuated prior to Hurricane Rita. What follows is a harrowing and completely true tale of how I, Pile, lead my staff, family and pet to safety under incredibly adverse conditions.

A few weeks ago when the "evacuees" from Hurricane Katrina were being bussed into the Astrodome I saw one of them being interviewed by the local news, he made a comment that has stuck with me. He said, " refugees....., people are calling us refugees......, I ain't no refugee, I'm an American citizen". After having fled natures fury myself, I can't help but disagree with Mr. Evacuee. Being on the run from high winds and rising waters knows no citizenship, race or creed, it only knows the medium rare human instinct of survival, while being courteous to others who have been forced from their homes of course. It only knows that.

On the evening of Wednesday September 21st it became clear to me that I was going to have to make a decision about what to do regarding the approaching storm. It became clear because people kept asking me "Pile, what are you going to do? Evacuate?". I have to say, at that point I was not prepared to leave the Institute unguarded and vulnerable. Our world Headquarters is approximately 60 miles inland, so I thought we could ride the storm out. Besides, Academy Sports and Outdoors was having a sale on Remington Street Howitzers, and the prices looked pretty good. This combined with the fact that there was not a motel room available anywhere in the western United States led me to the decision to stay put.

During my customary Thursday morning sitrep briefing it became clear to me that the situation had changed almost overnight. Rita had been upgraded to a category five, with sustained winds that made it the fifth most powerful storm ever recorded. The Institutes computer modeling had the storm on a track that would push a storm surge right up our drive, past the valet parking and through the Institute gift shop. As many of you know this is a think tank that employs a wide variety of peoples, one of whom you might know as The Onlette, is only six months old. While I have been instructing The Onlette on free market economics and college football I have not yet taught her to swim. I felt the weight of the Institute, not to mention the world, riding on my shoulders.

Some Chairmen of think tank Institutes are born to be great leaders. Others, it would seem have a swirling storm of high winds and rain thrust their great leadership on their staff and family. And pet. I made an announcement over the intercom system that we would be evacuating. I instructed all personnel and pets to put their important papers in a fire and flood proof lock box, move all computers and electronics off the floor and onto a counter or high shelf and prepare to leave.

My wife, the lovely and immensely talented Mrs. On and I, loaded two coolers full of lunchmeat, Red Bull and beer, and put them in the family car along with clothes, toys, a fourteen month supply of diapers, a telephone answering machine, dog food, three gallons of filtered tap water, an emergency car tire pump, two loaves of bread and an umbrella. We were ready to leave the think tank Institute that we both had devoted our entire lives to.

Before all electronics were disconnected and moved to the relative safety of a higher counter or shelf, I had been watching the Institute's local media monitoring device. I was acutely aware of the stand still traffic on the major hurricane evacuation routes. Thrusting my leadership on my family and pet I made my first major decision, we would not be taking a freeway out of town. We would head west on any farm to market road we could find until we got to I 35, from there we would head north to Dallas, and then on to visit some friends in Oklahoma City.

This was a day that was taking a toll on my fellow Houstonians, and their pets. Due to the heat, the temperatures were approaching 100 degrees. Fahrenheit. Due to the sudden run on gasoline, most stations were now out of anything one might put in their cars for fuel. Many of my fellow refugees were forced to drive along without running the air conditioner to conserve on precious fuel. We were forced to sit in our car, unable to move around, and endure hour after hour the relentless blast of refrigerated air that pelted our skin like a Chinese water torture. That which does not kill us, makes us stronger I told my family and pet when they inquired if anything could be done about the chill wind blowing in the Mitsubishi. I had heard on the radio that a dog had died of heat frustration on I45 north of Houston. That was a chance, with which I could not take.

We saw many people waiting at gas stations for gas supplies that might not arrive in time. We finally reached I35 in Austin and turned north, but not before stopping at a completely deserted gas station to fill up. I could not help but wonder why I was the only person to get my fuel supplies at a station that had fuel supplies. It was a question I could not ponder long, as a refugee must keep moving.

It was a seventeen hour trip from Houston to Dallas. I was very proud of The Onlette, she handled the situation like you would hope a trainee analyst would. At some point during the trip she began to bogart the Mommy, forcing my Labrador retriever Enid into the map reading, navigator, co-pilot, riding shotgun position commonly referred to as the front passenger seat. Like many people who were faced with adversity in these trying times, she rose to the occasion, as I could not detect any perceptible decrease in the navigation assistance I was receiving. The front passenger seat is just a bit small for a full figured lab to curl up in, so like me she sat up and watched the road until we arrived in Dallas at 6 am Friday morning. Yes, I know it was harrowing for her, but when you are a refugee pet, being tired is a luxury you can not afford.

We grabbed a few hours of shuteye in Dallas, then it was on to Oklahoma City , three more hours to the North. There we slept for something like 37.4 hours straight. Keeping track of time is not a refugee's strong suit. Our friends, or as I like to refer to them, the people running our shelter, took us out for dinner when we finally did wake up. We went to what they call the Bricktown Riverwalk. Oklahoma City has revitalized their downtown in a manner similar to what San Antonio did so many years ago. They have not achieved all the charm of downtown San Antonio but it is very nice. We set out on a trek that must have been hundreds, if not thousands of meters. But refugees do not complain about having to walk to receive a ration of nourishment. Not even if they have to walk past a brand new bar and grill owned by Toby Keith. When a refugee thinks of fine dining, a refugee's mind often conjures up the image of Toby Keith frying up some grub.

We finally arrived at a little Italian eatery, where we were told they could not serve us. FOR FORTY FIVE MINUTES!!! I cursed Bush, and I cursed FEMA, how could they not have planned for this contingency? Then I remembered the immortal words of Tom Petty, "you don't [pause for dramatic effect] have [another even more dramatic pause] to live like a refugee, don't have to live like a refugee".

You damn straight I don't Mr. Petty. I gathered up my family and the people that were operating the shelter I was staying at and marched right down the riverwalk to a place called the Bourbon Street Cafe. They only had a twenty minute wait, not to mention a delightful India Pale Ale on tap. We ate a meal in solidarity with our fellow refugees from New Orleans. A little dish they call Etouffe. It is pronounced [ay-too-fay], I know this because it said so, right on the menu, AY-TOO-FAY.

It was good, I enjoyed it. It was served with dirty rice, which was also good, but it made the whole dish a bit too rich. It would have been much better to serve it with a scoop of plain steamed rice. Such are the trials of An American Refugee.

Pile Ok In OK

2005-09-24T23:32:00.000-05:00

Hello everybody. Sam Houston again. I've got good news for you. Pile reports in the comments section to the preceeding post that he and the Ons are safe and sound in Oklahoma City.

I knewed it! Gol-dash-it-all! I knewed it! I knewed that Pile'd figure a way out! Why that hombre is slipperier than marinated geese guts on a U.N. door knob!

Er...yes, Gabby. That he is.
Anyway, Pile appears to have had quite a backroads adventure and we look forward to his recounting it one day soon on these very pages.

I'll tell you what! Pile On's so smart, I'll bet this whole shebang is just one of them publickity doo-dads to help him get elected Sheriff in Ocho-Eight!

You mean to say that Pile planned this entire escapade as a publicity stunt to help him get elected President of the United states in Aught Ocho?

Are you a Democrat by any chance, Mr. Hayes?

A Democrat? Well, brush my whiskers no! I'm a cook!

.....

What?

Well, anyway folks,that's the good news, and there seems to be more on the way. Texas has pulled through the storm with some damage, but nothing it can't handle. Most importanly, it has comported itself in the manner and mode that befits this nation's only Republic.

Bravo.

I'll see you on the flip side.

Pile Gone?

2005-09-22T00:19:00.000-05:00

Hello everybody. Sam Houston here. A good friend from Virginia (where I was born) contacted me and asked if I wouldn't mind stepping up to the plate as a guest blogger at the Institute while Chief Pile On collects his family and gets the hell out of town. I'm honored that Texas' foremost think tank would consider me, particularly in this hour of peril.

Folks, things are going to get trying for my beloved Texas over the next few days. Nature is sending its mightiest engine of destruction straight down the track at us and the best we can do is get out of the way. I am here to tell that there is no shame or cowardice in running from this menace. Hell, one of the best things I ever did was to retreat from Santa Anna after the fall of the Alamo and Goliad, and then knock that bastard flat at San Jacinto . Pick your fights, and win 'em, I always say. This here's one you can't win.

Fellow Texans, I have never been so proud of you as when I watched you open your hearts and cities to those ravaged by Katrina. Now, I expect that you will make me proud once more with your courage and resolve in the face of nature's fury. I want each of you to follow orders and evacuate to safety. I don't want other Texans to have to risk their lives rescuing you because you got stubboner than an old mule. And by jimminy, I don't want to see any one of you taking advantage of the situation to help himself to his neighbor's horse. This is by-God Texas, and we will not cotton to any such behavior. I expect that every man will aquit himself accordingly.
Captain, do you have anything to add?

No, sir. Only that if I find that Pile On is still hanging around Houston when this thing comes ashore, I am going to personally tap dance on his head.

Thank you, Captain, but that won't be necessary. Pile On's smart enough to take care of his family and let God take care of the rest. But I would like to add that should P.O. find he is in need of anything, I trust that he knows some good people to turn to. One of them in Virginia.

That's all folks. Keep Texas in your prayers. And watch us do things right.

The Making of a Difference

2005-09-18T18:06:00.000-05:00

Not so long ago I was going through a new teacher orientation which was designed to alleviate my disorientation with hours of meetings so riveting they left me longing for Tom Daschle's autobiography on tape. The Series. During one orientation presentation, I was given a rubber bracelet that said "I make a difference". It looked like one of those Lance Armstrong "Live Strong" bracelets, except it was red white and blue and it didn't say "Live Strong" it said "I make a difference". So it looked like it, but was different, you might say they were not the same, but similar.

I wore it for one day, I didn't want folks to think I was opposed to difference making. I am not. You see, I just don't go in for all that bling bling stuff. It also struck me as a bit presumptuous, being a new teacher and all, to think I was going to start manufacturing differences right away.

But I have since embraced the ambiguity of it all. Making a difference doesn't have to mean I changed a young life for the better. I could, theoretically make a difference in someone's life by using the last of the toilet paper, leaving the next patron of the facilities to fend for themselves.

I do hope to one day make a positive difference. And then have a major motion picture made about my difference making. As KJ of The Cheese (because it's The Cheese that makes it taste so good) has pointed out, you can't really say you have been a successful teacher until a movie is made about the difference you have made. You have to "fight the system", "buck the odds", "break the rules", and help an at risk minority student overcome adversity, so he or she can become a successful something or other. Then he/she can "give back" to his or her community, thus completing the circle of difference making.

What I really look forward to is the "E" Entertainment Television show, "The Making of The Making of a Difference". I find those "the making of" shows as riveting as the West Coast Offense directed by an imaginative genius like Bill Callahan. I also eagerly await having a knock down drag out cursing match with some bastard director who wants to bastardize my original screenplay by putting in some stupid love interest and a ninja fight scene. I look forward to people dragging us apart right before I go all "El Salvador Plan" on his sorry little Hollywood ass.

But I am a reasonable man, willing to compromise. The ninja scene can stay.

In the mean time, even though I don't post as often as I used to, I am still making a difference in the blog world.

Nebraska Records its Final Victory of the Season

2005-09-18T10:46:00.000-05:00

The Nebraska Cornhuskers used a complex kick blocking scheme to secure their third and final victory of Coach Whatsisname's second and likely last season with the once dominant football program. Coach Icouldnotcarelesswhathisnameis commented "we tried to keep their offense on the field as much as possible so our defense could score, but it wasn't easy, apparently Pitt had the same game plan".

Here at the Institute we could not be more tickled to have thrown out forty years of winning tradition for the thrilling West Coast Incomplete Four Yard Pass Offense. Who needs that boring old drive the opposition into the dirt option offense when you can go three and out on short passes that take virtually no time off the clock. Riveting.

It is large to run the same offense as every other second rate mediocre team in the country. This should be great for recruiting, not to mention it will save opposing defensive coordinators countless hours of preparation.

I don't know if you can get back tradition once it is lost, but I want it. Now.

A Few Words About Dog Poo

2005-09-10T09:25:00.000-05:00

Let me start by saying I have nothing against dog poo. This is not personal. I am well aware than dog poo is a necessary by-product of having a living healthy dog. A dog has to be able to expel it's bodily wastes, and there just isn't anyway to do that without some unpleasantness.

All I am saying about dog poo, is that it shouldn't be used for brains.

If you think importing 25 thousand jobless homeless people into a city is a good way to boost the economy, you are a nasty sniveling little worm or you are misusing dog poo.

If you think a real estate company offering jobless homeless people special financing is a sure fire way to reap profits, equivalent to ambulance chasing, you are being deliberately viscous or we have a cranial dog poo problem.

"A surge of business activity in Houston might lift the fortune of a city that is still struggling to recover from the collapse of Enron and two decades of job cuts in the energy industry."

This from a reporter who lives in Houston?

Say what you want about Houston, it's hot, humid, some say the traffic sucks and it isn't much to look at. But Houston is a city where people of all races and ethnicities, can, and do, access the American dream. Houston is a bustling, energetic, economically vibrant city, with few government regulations to hinder the ambitions of it's citizens. It is also a city of kind and generous people, who don't deserve the envious shit flinging of monkey-like reporters from the New York Times who were on the losing side of the long since settled battle of the socio-economic systems.

The Ramadan Shopping Season Begins

2005-09-10T08:58:00.000-05:00

Are you unsure of what to get that certain special someone for Ramadan? You should check out the latest apparel from the upstart maverick bohemian fashion designer Mad Dog Vinnie.

Go here and here, while supplies last.

Tell them Pile sent you for free Ramadan gift wrapping.

Bad Things--A Preliminary Inquiry

2005-09-05T09:51:00.000-05:00

You don't have to be a think tank professional to notice that there has been an increase in "bad things" in recent times. Well, here at the Institute this rash of "bad things" got us to thinking, you see that is what we do here, we think-- ponder the big issues-- if you will.

I recently directed my staff to assemble data on all the "bad things" that have happened in the last century. After my staff scoured the archives for "bad things", I assembled the data into this handy little graph, designed to make a complex issue understandable for even non-think tank professionals-- laypeoples-- if you please.

Well, needless to say, this data, is alarming. We are now seeing more "bad things" than during the Depression, WWII, the Holocaust and the Reagan years combined. Well, you don't have to be a think-tank professional to ponder if there is something that might be causing this epidemic of "bad things".

So again I directed my staff to look at the data on "bad things" from the last ten years and see if there is some sort of common theme to the "bad things" that keep happening. In the old days of think tank Institutes, this may have taken years, but with modern google technology and the New York Times this can be done with remarkable speed. I know because I remarked, "wow staff, that was speedy".

This may not come as any surprise to some savvy internet peoples, but, we here at the Institute believe that this is the first time anyone has comprehensively studied "bad things" and the undeniable link between these "bad things" and George W. Bush.

As this is a preliminary inquiry, we are not yet prepared to come to any final conclusions regarding this data on "bad things", but we do have a few observations. First, it has become clear that being President gives a person the ability to cause "bad things" at a greater rate than the average "bad things" causer person.

Second, not only has the number of "bad things" gone up, but the percentage of "bad things" caused by Bush has increased to point where you can say Bush has a virtual monopoly on causing "bad things". If this continues, the upstart, entrepreneurial "bad things" causer who may not be well heeled or politically connected will be the hardest hit.

Rest assured, we, here at the Institute, will continue to follow this important historical development.

What is the Right Response?

2005-09-04T10:35:00.000-05:00

I have watched in silence as the criticism mounts regarding the federal response to hurricane Katrina. Most of this criticism seems to be designed to embarrass President Bush politically.

My question to you Institute readers is, what is the appropriate response to these attacks? There may be merit to some of the criticism of the feds, but much of what I am hearing has the ring of ghoulish political opportunism. Should the right, reflexively defend Bush after each and every attack? Should it be ignored as most crackpot charges should be? Should there be a counter-attack against state and local officials as evidence of complete incompetence mounts?

I have a suspicion that as time passes we will learn that the federal plan was lacking. Lacking in the sense that they didn't plan for local and state officials to completely drop the ball.

This just doesn't seem like the time for any of this bullshit.

*************************************************************************************

On a personal note, the On household is wiped out. It was a very long week, 66% of my family was sick this week, then we spent Friday night (all freaking night) in the emergency room as the Onlette™ had a fever that spiked to 104 degrees. Not to worry, she is much better now and her temperature is back to normal.

Three Cheers For Texas

2005-08-31T19:00:00.000-05:00

Pile On, and the community of Houston, have graciously opened their arms to the victims of Katrina.

Big state. Big Heart. Big people. That's Texas.

What can we do, Teach?

The Ebb & Flow Institute--An Employee Testimonial

2005-08-27T19:39:00.000-05:00

Hello Institute website readers, my name is Claire, and I work at The Ebb & Flow Institute.

I haven't always worked at the Institute. In fact I used to work at a different job, but when the Institute opened up the big think tank supercenter out on the Truck Route I decided to submit one of them applications papers. You see, I heard that the Institute was employing many different kinds of peoples. While I am not many different kinds of peoples but just one kind of different peoples, I thought I had as good a shot as some of them other kinds of peoples I saw standing in line to get one of them papers of application.

When I started I was what folks call an hourly employee, but I done a good job and pretty soon they offered me a promotions into the customer service departments. I worked real good at servicing customers and it warn't long atall before they called me up to the personnel departments.

I been here going on 9 years, give or take, and I can't know how I could be no happier. When I started I had no idear of the glorious career opportunities that would unfold before me like cheap tables at a family reunion come grub time.

Yep. I'm Claire, and I work at The Ebb & Flow Institute SuperCenter out here on FM 5729 in Humble Texas.

Food--The Importance of Deliciousness

2005-08-27T18:52:00.000-05:00

It is my opinion that food that is delicious is preferable in all ways to food that is not delicious. By preferable, I mean the food has a higher kickass to pie hole ratio. This is often expressed ka/ph.

I am aware that there are those who would disagree with this assessment, but this is my opinion, and I am confident that when all the facts are known about food, I will be vindicated.

Lectures We Wouldn't Pay To See

2005-08-24T07:05:00.000-05:00

Listening to the radio on my way back from the beach, I concluded that there is an awful lot of BS in this world. And if you turn on your cable TV on Saturday morning, you'll see there must be a thousand ways to make money off some gullible fool.

Here at the Institute we worry about your welfare. So as soon as I got back, the staff got right to work compiling this list of lectures we don't recommend you pay good money to see:

1. Overcoming Anger Management Issues – by Al Franken

2. The Day I Became A Conservative – by Senator John McCain

3. My Secret Diet Tips: Nibble Your Way To A Size Ten- by Mike Tyson

4. Accepting Blame (Being A Man When Things Go Wrong) – Senator John Forbes Kerry and his Secret Service Agent

5. Impartiality In The Newsroom Reporting – Dan Rather

6. Sexual Harassment: My Hidden Shame – Helen Thomas

7. 10 Rainy Day Games to Play with the Kiddies – by Michael Jackson

8. My Secrets to Successful Economic Forecasting by Paul Krugman

9. The Faith Of My Forefathers – by Madeleine Murray O’Hare

10. “No Means No”: Is It Time for Zero Tolerance Policies? Bill Clinton

11. “Diplomacy on Capitol Hill (You Catch More Flies With Honey Than With Vinegar)” – Howard Dean

12. Healing Racial Divisions - The Reverend Al Sharpton

13. Now More Than Ever: Religious Tolerance In A Post-9/11 World - Michael Graham

14. Interracial Relationships Can Work: My Story - by OJ Simpson

15. Supporting the Troops: Every American’s Patriotic Duty – by Dick Durbin

Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments section. If we see a good one, we may award a valuable prize. Maybe even cash money.

MoveOn to Hagel--Thank You No

2005-08-22T21:15:00.000-05:00

The mainstream Democrat organization MoveOn.org today announced that despite continued overtures,and the occasional **nudge nudge/wink wink** they would no longer be using any Chuck Hagel quotes in their advertising. A spokesbat for MoveOn who spokesbatted to an EFI reporter on the condition of anonymity stated "we have a limited budget, we appreciate the efforts of the Senator from Nebraska, but we have to spread it around a bit".

Developing.....

UPDATE:

Developing developments.....

From the Halls of Academe--Double Translated

2005-08-21T10:20:00.000-05:00

I enjoyed the link provided by Jehane where Star Wars was translated into Chinese and then back into English again. So, for your viewing pleasure, I have translated the previous post into Chinese, and then back into something resembling English. Enjoy.

The snapshot which classifies from the first week and which piles one partly takes from Academe hall several a public school chemistry instructor.

"Is a your good person. "

"This kind is hard?"

"You have yesterday made any important?"

"You go to Nebraska University ? How have you gone to Texas?"
Is long and the dirty fable, the full plot, the deviation and the morals are mean. "
" Humph. "
" I here obtained have equally quickly looked like me to be able. "
" Oh. "

"So when they give the place which the mouse the chemotherapy clothing anesthetic you the wife serves, their hair falls down?"
"Certainly, but they give them the little baseball hat therefore they not to feel from already the conscience. "

"Uh person, gentleman. O needs you completely and has not separated. "

"I thought you said you are a good person. "

"So you meant we are the bad kind?"
"Does not have, You are the good kind, You display extremely."

"I am a student which you likes, Right?"

From soundly fell asleep and her thumb reliably plants on the other day by hers head on hers desk in hers cake hole girl, "our group meeting wants to do an experiment in the seminal fluid. "

"We meet want to perform a time of experiment rather to be able to give us in any people, 50 minute or a US dollar. "
"what is your hypothesis?"
"We thought the people rather can give us a 50 minute ratios US dollar.
"How did you propose tests your hypothesis?"
"Which do we take a walk in all directions in the school with the institutional records of a reign ask others for help they rather to be able to give us, 50 minute or a US dollar. "

"I do not like me the seat which assigns. "
"You are in you are the same seat has assigned in front of the seat in me. "
"I knew, But the people suck nearby me. "

From the Halls of Academe

2005-08-21T09:28:00.000-05:00

A few assorted snapshots from Pile's first week and a half as a public school chemistry instructor.

"Are you a nice guy."

"Is this class going to be hard?"

"Did you do anything important yesterday?"

"You went to the University of Nebraska? How did you get to Texas?"
"That is a long and sordid tale, full of intrigue, deviance and moral turpitude."
"Huh?"
"I got here as quick as I could."
"Oh."

"So when they are giving the mice chemotherapy drugs where your wife works, does their hair fall out?"
"Of course, but they give them little baseball caps so they don't feel self-conscience."

"Uh people, Mr. O needs your complete and undivided."

"I thought you said you were a nice guy."

"So you are saying we are a bad class?"
"No, you are a good class, you have just been behaving badly."

"I am your favorite student, right?"

From the girl who was sound asleep the previous day with her head on her desk and her thumb planted firmly in her pie hole, "Our group would like to do an experiment on sperm."

"We would like to conduct an experiment on what people would rather give us, fifty cents or a dollar."
"What is your hypothesis?"
"We think people would rather give us fifty cents than a dollar."
"How do you propose testing your hypothesis?"
"We would go around the school and ask people which they would rather give us, fifty cents or a dollar."

"I don't like my assigned seat."
"You are in the same seat you were before I assigned seats."
"I know, but the people around me suck."

Breaking News....

2005-08-16T11:32:00.000-05:00

From the "Keepin' It Real" Department of Urban Culture at the Institute:

We hate to assault you with such life-shaking, faith-challenging news so early in the morning, but sometimes we have to put our emotions aside and focus on our responsibility to the truth. And so we urgently announce that the man formerly known as Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, Puffy and P. Diddy has made it official: From this moment onward, he will now be known as simply “Diddy.”

Say it slowly. Leave the “p” behind. Look towards the future. Let it roll off your tongue: Diddy.

Why the change? “I needed to simplify things,” said the hip-hop mogul. Diddy also plans to “go more rock ‘n’ roll” with his look, and says he’s inspired by Mick Jagger and David Bowie. Keep an eye out for the Diddy Stardust press conference, which should hit in about 3 months.

Update 8:32 He’s actually on the Today Show right now, making a live announcement of this change. “I felt the ‘p’ was coming between me and my fans,” says Diddy.

"One word. Five letters. Period," says the hip-hop heavyweight, who swears he isn't taking the P. out of his name to yank our chain - or as a publicity stunt.

Apart from the frustration of constantly having to tell people what to call him, Diddy says he worried that the name P. Diddy could be bad for business.

"I went to a concert in Madison Square Garden last year and the crowd started to chant my name," he says dryly.

Whereas "Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy Diddy" just trips off the tongue like a twelve-dollar ho' with a wallet full of cash.

Sheer street poetry. Just remember, you heard it here first.

Which Institute post do you think would be most likely to not come in last in a Best Post of 2005 contest?
	The End of the Trail Series.
	Excerpts From The Rice Confirmation Hearings.
	The Good The Bad & Pile.
	An Inquiry Into The Nature And Mental Wealth Of Bloggers.
	Royal Mascot Shocker.
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The Ebb & Flow Institute

One Sentence Guest Editorial--Bill Clinton

One Sentence Editorial--Pile On the Iowa Caucuses

Tom Tancredo Named Mexican of the Year

One Sentence Guest Editorial--Islamic Rage Boy

Check Out This Internets

The Girls of the Institute...

Well That's Over

Commenting on the Comments of Sports Commentators

Clinton Campaign Concerned About The Politics of Pile On

Friday Beer Report

Inside Baseball

Pile In Aught Ocho Talking Point Memo--10-16-07

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China Retaliates Against Imports of US Air

Pile In Aught Ocho Town Hall Meeting Number 1

Today Sure Has Been Super!

Marriage and the Times

Christmas Pleasantries from the Institute

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Moments in Senate History

Al Qaeda forms 527 Group

Republicans Agree on Interrogation Bill

Religous Harmony

Everyday Hero

President Kerry: What Might Have Been

Rendezvous With Destiny

An Important Post on Human Rights

Another Fatwa Against Hezbollah

Jihad-Harmony

Taking a Chinese Vacation with the Chinese in China

The Perfect Declares The Good the Enemy--Breaks off Relations

China and the Internets

Home From The Peoples Republic--A Report

Pile On Off On Diplomatic Mission

So...You Are Checking to See If I Have Posted Anything?

Here Is To You Reader Peoples

Happy New Year from the desk of Enid

I'm Looking For An Issue

This Post is About Google and Stuff

Bass Fishing with Famous People

Lots to Think About

4 out of 5 Analyst Recommend Missile Strikes For Their Clients Who Fight Terrorists

Gore Defends Innocent Civilian's Liberty--Slams Bush

An Excerpt From the Alito Hearings

My Gift to You....Because I Care

Coming Soon to Discriminating Theatres Near You

Dear Stupid British Homos,

Editors Note-Part I

ANNOUNCEMENT

The Staff, Management, Flora and Fauna of The Ebb & Flow Institute Wish You A Merry Christmas

Best Post of 2005 Contest

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Great Moments in the Democrat's War on Things That Terrorize Them

Finally

Where All The Flowers Go

A Point to Ponder

Iranian President Ahmadinejad's Defeatism

New Study Bolsters Claim of Left's Sexual Superiority

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John Kerry on Face the Nation--An Excerpt

2005 Weblog Awards

The Ebb & Flow Institute--1st Anniversary

CODE PINK Completes Acquisition of Sheehan Corp.

House Rejects Martha's Cut & Run Thanksgiving Proposal

A Brief Editorial From the Desk of Pile

Intellectual Property Theft Is Not Child's Play

French Protests Continue for 10th Straight Day

Alito It Is

Hey, Let's Go Try This New Thing

Friday Vespers--Ask Chairman On Day

Damn It!!

A Moment of Reflection with The Onlette™

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